I've had a bad few days. My doctor's appointment did not go as well as I would have liked on Monday. Basically, Marc has to go for futher testing and I do have Polycystic Ovary Syndrom. I was expecting the PCOS diagnosis, I wasn't expecting Marc to have to go for futher testing. Basically depending on his results they will either give me clomid to induce ovulation or we will be referred to a fertility clinic in Boston for IVF.
I'm pretty much devastated. I think on Monday I was in shock but yesterday was awful. It started with me crying in the shower when I woke up and just went on from there. I went to work for about an hour and then went home. I needed a day to get my head on straight. When I went to bed last night my eyes were so sore from crying on and off all day. I don't feel so hopeless anymore but Im not looking forward to the joys of possible IVF. I'm trying really hard to stay positive but being a mom is the one thing I have always wanted in my life, other things change but I have known from a very young age that I was meant to be a mom. And I know that it will still happen, just not in the way that I thought. I'm scared of IVF and I can see my dreams of a larger family slipping away.
I wasn't sure if I was going to blog about this because it seems so private but on the other hand I think infertility can sometimes be this hidden thing, that's not to say I'm ready to post about this on my Facebook page with all my friends and family reading about it. I guess I need this blog to be my outlet, so I don't have to keep everything in. I'm not sure who from my "real" life reads this blog but hopefully if they are reading this they will understand to keep this private and that if I don't bring it up, please don't talk to me about it.
We are in a waiting game until Marc has his appointment next week and who knows where that will lead us exactly. My eating has not been great the last two days obviously but I did get up and walk this morning and I have grand ambitions of staying on plan today and not going overboard with my food. The thing is, even with my emotional eating yesterday and Monday, it did nothing to comfort me. I'm kinda meh about food right now. I just don't care. I hope that it continues so that I can lose some weight. The one good thing to come out of my appointment was that my doctor told me that even if I weight 120lbs this would still be a problem so what we are going through is not weight related, I guess that could be considered a NSV? I mean, most of the time my appointments are filled with weight discussions but even if I was thinner then we would still be having these issues.
I'm just sad and I guess that is okay. I just have to accept how things are going to unfold and believe that Marc & I will have a baby someday.
15 comments:
Honey, I am so sorry! I know the pain you are feeling. I really do. And when Marc goes for testing it might just turn out to be nothing! The life we live is totally unpredictable. We plan and plan and it almost never works like we want it to. So why do we keep doing it!??? I thought for sure Chris and I would have had a baby by now. But I guess life has a way of getting in the way! Clear your head and try to remember that sometimes the path we are on is not clearly seen but it works out just the same.
You are right, it is okay to be sad. Thinking of you all day!
My sister is going through something very similar to you and it's so hard. Hope that Marc's appointment goes well.
Your weight not being an issue is a great NSV!
I am so sorry to hear that your appointment did not go as you would have liked. Although I am not at the same stage as you are in regards to wanting children (I'm still single and in no serious relationships), I do understand how completely important this is. A few weeks ago I posted on my concerns because I woke up in the middle of the night with what I was sure were hot flashes. At 28, this is highly unusual given that hot flashes are a sign of women ending her child rearing years. I have had previous issues with my ovaries and ovarian cysts so I deeply sympothize. I am unsure of your religion, but I have always heard that prayer changes things. I will pray for you and Marc and hope that you hear good news soon.
We're here with you Leslie, and never worry that an issue is too personal. I don't have children, but I can sympathize with your feelings. Sending positive thoughts and energy your way dear.
Leslie,
Try not to be sad. Your dreams of being a mother can still come true. Have faith. Please keep all of your options open. There is IVF, a surrogate...and my all time favorite adoption.
Like you, I always wanted to be a mother. Unfortunately, my body did not agree. However, I am now a mother to 3 beautiful children. I am their mom...the only mom they have ever known...they love me unconditionally...and I them.
God has a way of giving us just what we need exactly when we need it.
I know it doesn't seem that way now...but things will get better. You are strong and you can handle anything.
Sending you virtual hugs.
O no hunny, I just want to give you a big hug! I hope you lets us know how the appointment next week with your hubby goes. I will keep you in my prayers.
I'm so sorry you didn't get good news at your appointment. But nothing is set in stone. Mark's results could still turn out fine. Hang in there and never give up hope. ((HUGS))
I'm in tears for you sweetie. I echo what Dawnya said, this will work out. *hugs* I know a couple that tried for years to have a baby, they turned to IVF and are now pregnant with number two. Things will get better!!
Leslie, You were meant to be a mom and it WILL happen for you. It may not turn out the way you hope. You may become a parent after IVF treatment, through adoption,foster parenting or through "normal" methods. As they say, where there's a will, there's a way. I'm glad you trusted us enough to blog about your struggle. I know others are going through the same thing. At least now you know what the problem is and can start working on solutions!
Love you, honey!!
Just *hugs.*
I'm sending good vibes...I'm going to email you about this...
My prayers are with you and your husband.. I am sorry you're sad.. We are all here for you..
(((hugggsssss)))
Thanks for sharing with us! I'm glad that you have an outlet to be able to share what you're going through! I'll keep you in my prayers. I'm glad you found out that this is not weight related and that takes some pressure off of you. Although I haven't struggled with infertility, I do have the deep desire to be a mom. I'll be 31 next month and I so desire to have a family! Unfortunately I need to find a husband first! Haha! I'm not willing to settle for just anyone so I guess I'll just keep patiently waiting.
I know all too well how much it hurts to get the diagnosis of PCOS and how it can derail your plans for a family but I echo Dawnya's comment...please keep your options open. No matter what the results of your husband's tests are there is always hope (either through medical intervention or adoption).
Things have a way of working themselves out the way they are meant to...I am the proud mother of 2 sons (even my doctor was amazed that I managed to get pregnant twice because physically it just shouldn't have been possible).
(((hugs)))
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