Boo. Hiss. Snarl.

Today has been a super craptastic day.

I feel like when I have a super good day like yesterday that of course the next day will suck donkey balls. 

I am feeling "bullet-ish" today so here are some bullet points.

• The start of my classes have been delayed AGAIN from tomorrow to next Tuesday.  I'm beyond pissed.  At first I was super excited I wouldn't have class this Saturday and then I got the full class schedule and the nice little almost two week break I was going to have inbetween classes in the beginning of May where I was going to take my two week vacation from work is no longer.  I need that vacation and now if I still take it I would be stuck going to class and we all know I'd end up skipping classes and screwing myself over with attendance issues.  ARGH.
• I'm waiting to hear on a position within my company that I interviewed for.  I really want it and I really want to know, my stomach has been in knots all week.
• The scale was up 1.1lbs today.  While I wasn't freaking out about this morning, everything else has piled up on me today and now it is irritating me.  It makes zero sense.  Stupid body.
• In a moment of weakness I bought a package of Reese's Pieces out of the vending machine.  I haven't eaten them yet because I feel extrememly guilty even though I could make them fit into my calories for the day.  I'm afraid if I eat them they will be my gateway food to other naughtly things. 
• This week has been so busy at work that it is not even funny.  I haven't been able to keep up with my work and it stresses me out to have it hanging over me.  I even came in early the last two days.  UGH.
• BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
• Marc's big 30th birthday party is next Saturday and I still have so much stuff to finish before than that it is completely stressing me out.
• I am taking a night off from the gym.  I went 5 days in a row and I need a break.  My body hurts.
• Okay, I'm done.  I'm putting all this crap out into blog land and letting it go.

Happy Happy, Joy Joy.

I am on a roll. 

Last night at the gym I broke a personal record.  I usually do 1.04 miles in 15 minutes on the ellipitical, I haven't been able to break that.  Last night....1 mile in 14 minutes!  I did way over my personal best.  I was so proud of myself and wanted to cry but I held myself back so I could show my face in the elliptical row again.  After that I walked for 45 minutes, doing 47 laps which equals just over 2 miles on the track.  THEN...yes I was amazed at even myself...I swam for 30 minutes.  I am so close to reaching my 12 hours of exercise goal that I even walked for 20 minutes on my lunch today!!  I'm starting to crave going to the gym which is something I never thought would happen so I'm just going to keep going with it. 

The track is so good for me, I love it.  I kept up with this super skinny lady yesterday in one of those cute little workout outfits that I aspire to wear.  I kept up with her for like 7 laps, she was cruising too.  Even Marc noticed, he was walking slower because he pulled a muscle and when finished walking and he mentioned it to me.  He told me I was walking so fast and that my hair looked really good while I was walking.  LOL.  He said the bounce was good.  Made me feel good because I did have an excellent hair day yesterday and was glad someone noticed.

I was rewarded on the scale this morning....2.2lbs lost since yesterday and that puts me 2.2lbs away from 100lbs lost!  I really want to reach that by the weekend.  I am so in the weight loss zone right now it's a little scary.  I feel like a totally different person. 

I'm just so happy and accomplished this week.  Not feelings I'm used too.  I mean, I'm generally happy but I just feel so GOOD.  I like this feeling and it just keeps me wanting to exercise and count calories.  I'm actually hoping I don't have my internship tonight so that I can go to the gym again even though it's not a scheduled day!  Who would believe this is the same girl who hates to exercise??

Bunch of Random Thoughts

62 days until Memorial Day, how is everyone doing with their personal Memorial day goals? 

I'm doing very well.  I weighed in at 313.8lbs this morning.  Which means I'm only 4.4lbs away from 100lbs lost!  I can't wait to reach that very important milestone.  For my Motivation for Memorial Day goal, I'm 25.8lbs away.  I can so do it!

I also kicked butt at the gym this weekend.  According to my spiffy new calorie watch, during my 63 minute workout yesterday I burnt (burned? I dont' know what the right term is.  Both sound weird)1107 calories.  I have no idea how accurate this little doohickey is but it makes me feel good so I will continue to wear it even though it's super ugly.  I have held myself to my workout schedule going Friday, Saturday & Sunday.  I also am going today after work.  I think I might have to modify it a bit some weeks to accommodate my crazy work/school/internship schedule but I do promise myself that I will go 4x's a week for at least 45mins each time. 

The track at my gym really keeps me motivated.  I don't like it when people pass me so that makes me keep pushing myself to walk faster.  My competitiveness is out of control so I'm going to use it to my advantage working out.  I push myself much harder on the track than I do the treadmill which I like.

I'm starting to view my time at the gym as a time out from life which I completely need, I try not to think about the stressful things in my life or if I do, I try to just think about it and keep calm and usually I can come up with a solution or a different way of looking at it.  Just call me Rafiki.

My calorie totals for the weekend were good.  About 1500ish on Saturday which is over my 1200 but hey, it wasn't 2500.  I had lobster for dinner that night which is super low on calories which I love and I did something crazy good for myself.  I didn't put butter on my lobster and you know what!?!  It was still delightful and delicious.  Yay for saving myself a boat load of calories!

Yesterday was about 1700 which I was a little upset with but after my super awesome workout I am not going to beat myself up about it.  I did eat a wonderfully delicious grilled cheese sandwich with ham.  Oh my goodness, I wish I could eat one everyday.  I think I might allow myself a little more calories on the weekends if I need them and not feel guilty about them.

Do you all find that even though we eat less quantities of food now that you enjoy the quality of your food more?  I find myself buying tastier food lately instead of eating junk.  If I'm only going to eat around 1200 calories I want to make sure it taste good.  Does that make any sense?

One last thing, if you could please vote for me again!  You can vote once a day and I'd really love to not come in last place.  LOL!

Please Vote for Me!!

Hey Everyone!!  On my Simple Sweetness blog I'm a finalist for a contest.

Could you please go vote for me???

Please go vote for me!!

I'm a finalist at Saturday Mornings for my Rockin' Lobster Sliders.

Thank You!!!

I feel good.

Today my scale read....314.6lbs!

Woo Hoo!  I broke the 315lbs scale curse.  It seemed everytime I reached 315, I would jump back up.  

I also had a great workout today.  15 mins on the elliptical which equaled out 1.04 miles.  Very happy with that.  Then 20 mins of walking/jogging around the track and I did the laps that equaled a mile.  Then I came home and attempted yoga.   Not very successfully if I say so but at least I did that for another 30 minutes.  Yay me!!  65 minutes of exercise which is over my 45 minute goal on Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays & Mondays.   

Total calories for Thursday 3/24/11

1285 cals  /  40g fat   /  188 carbs  /  51g protein

It is much too hard for me to type out my food log everyday so I'm just going to post the totals.

I went over on my calories and carbs again but overall I'm happy with how I've been doing this week.  I am much more aware of what I'm eating when I log everything and I don't indulge in the mindless eating thing.  I just need to keep this up and I think I can if I stay in the right frame of mind.  I need to stay in this zen like state.  

Does anyone meditate out there?  I want some sort of meditation/zen like stress relief yoga.  The yoga dvds I have are way too intense still.  I want to work my body but I also want to use it for relaxation as well.  Do you have any dvds or programs to recommend??

3/23/11 Food Log & Unfill

March 23, 2011 Food Log

(Calories/Carbs/Fat/Protein)

Trader Joe's - Mini Brie Wheel, 25g          70  1g 6g 4g

Trader Joe's - Frozen Mango, 140g           90 21g 0g 1g

Shrimp - tails on, 3 oz                                90 0g 0g 20g

Cocktail Sauce, 18 g                               23 5g 0g 0g

Cucumber - Peeled, raw, 1 medium          24 4g 0g 1g

3 Cheese Ranch, 31 g                                70 2g 6g 0g

Barber Foods - Premium Entrees Stuffed Chicken Breasts Creme Brie & Apple, 1 piece (140 g/4 oz)

290 21g 14g 20g

Tyson Anytizers - Fajita Chicken Quesa Dippers, 4 pieces               

380 34g 18g 20g

Sour Cream, 60 g                                     50 6g 0g 4g

Honey Roasted Almonds, 1 oz                   160 9g 13g 5g

TOTAL: 1,247 calories 103g carbs 57g fat 75g protein

I was 47 calories over 1200 and 10g over on my fat target.  I'm pretty darn happy with these.  Especially since I ruined the other half of my dinner last night and was so tempted to go out get chicken fingers but I didn't.  I had the quesadillas instead.  Small victory for me. 

My feelings on my eating yesterday = thumbs up for me. 

I forgot to tell you all about my unfill on Monday.  If you remember, I hadn't eaten since Saturday night.  All day Sunday & Monday I couldn't eat or even keep water down.  My band has never been that tight before.  It was really scaring me.  I talked with the PA and went through the normal things that can cause band tightness and none of them applied to me.  No matter how tight I have been, I have always been able to at least drink.  The PA agreed I needed an unfill.  We went with 2ccs.  I know it's a lot but my fear was that I would get a little out and then be back at the office the next day still experiencing the same tightness.  So she took out 2ccs.  I was at 9.8ccs and now I'm at 7.8ccs.  Immediately, I felt relief.  I was able to drink some water and I ate when I got home and felt so much better.  I think since my last fill in January I have been battling being too tight.  Most mornings I can't even eat breakfast and sometimes it takes me 90 minutes to eat my lunch at work.  I think having this unfill was wise especially with my crazy school schedule starting next week.  I have been feeling hunger but it's not that much different from what I was experiencing before.  I'm just going to try to be really vigilant and keep counting those calories.  I think I will be fine with this amount of fill for right now.

I do have to go for an Upper GI tomorrow and possible other tests, just to check the placement of my band.  My PA seems pretty confident it is just a fluke and nothing serious but wants to check to be sure.  I am so not looking forward to that icky barium stuff.  Eww!

I hope everyone has a great Thursday!!  Tomorrow is Friday!!

Detox

I must detox myself off of take-out food YET AGAIN. 

Bah.  It is so frustrating to me even 18 months after surgery that I can't be trusted with take-out.  I had been doing so well, over 2 weeks without and then I cave and have it and now it is all I want.  I have spent most of my day obsessing over the chicken fingers from Longhorn Steakhouse.  I looked up the calories to help curb my craving (748 for just the chicken fingers in case you were wondering) and that is not even helping. 

I refuse to cave in though so I'm posting about it, that sometimes helps.

To get myself back on track I have come up with some Mini-Goals. 

*Log every little food morsel everyday on myfitnesspal.com. 

I just started using it yesterday instead of writing everything down and I love it so far.  You can even track exercise which I love. 

*Blog food log totals everyday. 

I need some accountability and if I know the whole blog world is going to be looking at it that will help me behave. 

*Exercise every Friday, Saturday, Sunday & Monday for at least 45 minutes. 

I have not been to the gym since last Tuesday.  Bad Leslie.

*Dig out my Yoga DVD. 

I've been wanting to do this for about 2 weeks.  I bought it right after my surgery and I just felt defeated by it so I want to dig it out and try again.  I think it would help me handle stress better.  I am going to do the DVD by the end of this weekend.

My scale has to start moving down, I just need to detox and get my head on straight again.

Motivation for Memorial Day Button

<a href="http://bandsweetband.blogspot.com" target="_blank"><img src="http://i841.photobucket.com/albums/zz331/dgblogdesigns/Flappergirlsbutton2final.jpg" border="0" alt="Motivation for Memorial Day"></a>

Isn't it purdy??  Grab it, display it, wear it proudly!!!

Motivation for Memorial Day

I'm so glad so many of you are joining me for the Memorial Day Challenge.  I think I'm going to make this challenge more official, if you all are good with that.  I'm making up a button that we can display on our blogs and I'm also going to have a button for when we ALL meet our challenges. 

I'm going to call this challenge: Motivation for Memorial Day, Personal Weight Loss Challenge.  I'm going to ask all of you who want to participate to fill out the form in this post so that I can keep track everything.  The beauty of this challenge is that YOU customize your goal.  If you want a weight loss goal, Super!  If you want to avoid Fried Food, Excellent!  If you want to exercise for 100 hours, Great!  You pick the goal.  This is all about YOU.

The challenge starts NOW.  So you fill out the form and you will be in on the challenge.  I'm going to allow people to enter the challenge until Friday night.  I will do a final post on Saturday morning listing all the particpants and their goals.  I have a few questions on the challenge form that will determine how we will monitor our progress.  So be sure to fill those out.  I also added a question about a Challenge Grand Prize Winner.  Grand Prize because everyone who meets their personal challenge is a winner but I thought it might be neat to list all of our progress once Memorial Day comes around and the contest participants can vote for a Grand Prize Winner that they think deserves a Grand Prize.  And finally, what that Grand Prize should be.

Please blog about this and pass it around.  As soon as I get the button finished I will post it!

Motivation for Memorial Day Challenge Form

Name:
Email Address:
Blog Address
What is your Motivation for Memorial Day goal?
Would you like there to be a Grand Prize Winner?	Yes No Yes, but only if I win!
What should the Grand Prize be?	Eternal Glory Gift Card Special Recognition Button for Blog
If we do a cash prize, would you be willing to contribute $5 towards the prize?	Yes No

Get your own free form like this one.






This online form was provided by Freedback.

That is one way to lose weight

Thanks for all of your supportive comments on my post from yesterday.  You gals are the best.  You really make me feel like I'm not in this struggle alone.  *hugs*

Guess what the scale said today?

315.2lbs

Can you believe that?  I can.  Only because I was not able to keep FOOD or WATER down at all yesterday.  I think I was such a stress ball and add on top of that my allergies and well that means I couldn't keep anything down.  In fact, I have been puking today and I haven't even tried to eat anything.  I called my surgeon and I'm going in for an unfill at 1:30PM.  I'm not happy about this but with me being so congested due to my allergies this has happened before and I don't want to deal with not being able to eat all Spring. 

I just have to keep up my good mental game even if I lose some of my restriction.  The surgeon won't be there but the PA will be who hasn't tried to give me a fill since my port relocation so I worry about that a bit but I have to do it.  They also promised they will NOT take it all out.  I could not live with that so I'm hoping maybe 2 or 3ccs at the maximum.

On to way more exciting things....

I had my ob/gyn appointment on Friday.  The verdict is that once I reach 288lbs, I can start trying.  I was 318 on Friday so it is 30lbs.  I can do that. 

The reasoning is that I can not deliver at the Hospital my doctor is affiliated or with my doctor.  I would be considered high risk because of my weight and would be sent to Boston.  I don't want that.  Now at anytime during my pregnancy if I go over 300lbs then I will be sent to Boston.  They do not want me to gain any weight while I'm pregnant and only add 300 calories to what I'm eating now.  I can do all that.  In fact, I do not want to gain either.  I will happily stay the same but me becoming pregnant is not going to be a license to eat whatever I want.

My nutrionist thinks I can realistically achieve 288lbs by Memorial Day, notice the new ticker up above.  Anyone else want to join me in a challenge for Memorial Day??  If you do, let me know.  We can keep each other motivated.  Of course it does not have to be as much as 30lbs or even baby related.  I'd love to have some company in this challenge. 

I'm just happy that I'm in a better mental state than I was yesterday, it was a pretty miserable day all around.  Just keep swimming....just keep swimming....

I can't get out of my own way

I'm so disgusted with myself.

This morning I weighed in at 321lbs.

Yes.  You read that right.  I've gained 5.3lbs this week.  I started March at 322.6 and now I've ruined three weeks of progress and are almost right back to where I started the month at.

The real kicker?  I was 318.4lbs on Friday.

I'm so disgusted with what I have eaten this weekend.  I know exactly what I did this week too.  I let the stress of life and my appointments get to me.  I was so stressed out by what the doctor would say about me trying to get pregnant I completely sabotaged myself.  I just can't seem to get out of my own way.

I truly feel hopeless today and I need to get out of this funk.  I can't even motivate myself to go to the gym.  I would just like to sit and cry all day long.  But of course I can't.

I have to figure out with Marc taking a new job and a paycut how we are going to afford our bills and life in general.

I have to finish getting everything ready for Marc's party, it's less than three weeks away and I still have a lot to do and I'm running out of free time to get it all done.

I have to decide what days I'm doing my internship this week when I really don't want to go at all.

This is my last full week before school starts and I am so overwhelmed.  Is it sad that at this point I just don't care if I finish or not?

Then to top off the horrible last few days I've had....Marc & I get into a gigantic fight over NOTHING this morning. Absolutely nothing of importance and it's so freaking stupid.

I would just like some of my stress and worry to go away.  Just some of it, because I can't handle everything right now.  I just can't.

Nervous Stress Filled Pity Party

Tomorrow is my big appointment with my ob/gyn.  I don't know why I'm so nervous, I just want to be healthy enough to be given the all clear.  I'm scared she's going to tell me I haven't lost enough.

Bah.

I've been stress eating all week long.  I know it and I'm recognizing but it's frustrating.  Even though I'm stress eating, I'm not eating over 1400 calories and the scale has gone up from 315.7 on Sunday to 318.7 on Monday, then to 316.8 on Tuesday, yesterday was 318 again and today was 317.6.  

I don't get it.  I've been reading about calories in/out and I'm doing everything right.  Stupid calories.  Stupid stress eating.  Stupid everything.  

I really wanted to be under 300lbs for Marc's birthday party on April 9th but that is 23 days away and I can't see myself losing 19lbs before then.  I'm disappointed by that.  

I'm just frustrated.  I've lost almost 100lbs and I'm still considered morbidly obese with my BMI of 43.  That is depressing.  I'm just lost in feeling hopeless this week.  Losing another 100lbs would put me at 217, still not under 200lbs, that just doesn't seem fair.  I know, I know, I was overweight.  I started at 409lbs but I am having a pity party for myself this week.

I'm convinced my vital organs weigh a lot.  That's my story and I'm sticking to it.  

I'm hungry a lot of the time and that makes me wonder if I need another fill since I'm really counting calories and weighing food but sometimes my band is so tight that I can't eat, I don't want to make that worse especially with me being on the go so much lately.

I wanted fried food SO BADLY today that I had to call my Mom and have her talk me off the ledge.  The choice I ended up with wasn't so great, a hot dog, some beans and chocolate chip cookie but it was better than what I wanted to eat which was chicken fingers, mashed potatoes, onion rings and topped off with ice cream naturally.  

Plus on top that lately I've been having this dizzy/lightheaded feeling.  Mostly when I'm at work.  I don't know what it is but it makes me scared.  I'm wondering if it has something to do with my glasses prescription and looking at the computer all day long at work.  In fact, I felt so crappy with the lightheaded feeling today I didn't go to the gym and I was planning on it.  But I have resolved that I will go tomorrow when I was planning an off day.  I think my gym days are going to be Friday, Saturday, Sunday & Mondays.  I start school in two weeks on Tuesday/Thursday and every other Saturday and will probably do my internship on Wednesdays so those days will be too busy for gym time.  I'm going to start those days this week to get used to them before school.

I need to find an outfit for Marc's party and I don't even want to go shopping.  I was so excited last weekend so my weight loss was going to well and now I feel like a fat cow and the last thing I want to do is go shopping.

I'm just a hot mess.

Luckily I have tomorrow off for my appointment.  I have zero plans this weekend and I am going to relax, relax, relax.

Thanks for listening/reading to me whine.

No Bother.

I'm having a very Eeyore kind of day.  He's always been my favorite Pooh character but I'd rather not feel so gloomy. 

"Good morning, Pooh Bear," said Eeyore gloomily. "If it is a good morning," he said. "Which I doubt," said he.

"Why, what's the matter?"

"Nothing, Pooh Bear, nothing. We can't all, and some of us don't. That's all there is to it."

"Can't all what?" said Pooh, rubbing his nose.

"Gaiety. Song-and-dance. Here we go round the mulberry bush."

The scale has not been kind to me this week.  And the thing is, I have been doing decent with my eating, keeping it between 1200 - 1400 calories which is a bit higher than I'd like too but I've also been more active so I think I'm a bit more hungry than I normally am.  On Sunday, I weighed 315.7lbs and today I weighed 318lbs.  What is up with that?  I'm trying really hard not to let it get me down, but I just find it more frustrating because I have worked out at least 1 hour for the last three days.  Blah.  I know it will get better and I'm just trying to stay positive.

I'm going to up my water intake today and really focus on that, maybe that will help.  I have a hard time drinking earlier in the day and while at work.  Then I get distracted by work and then forget to drink.  I can usually get all my water in at home at night but still, it's tough.  My band is so super tight in the mornings.  I miss being able to drink fast. 

The other thing I have been thinking about lately is my super competitive feeling towards Marc.  He is so close to reaching 299lbs and darnit, I want to reach there FIRST.  Is that so much to ask?  LOL.  I just want to do better than him for one single thing in this weight loss journey.  I told him I'm going to start adding things to his food to stall his weight loss....that's not mean, right?  Hehehe. 

In all seriousness I would never do that but I want to reach 299lb first.  I really truly do.  I need to start going to the gym when he can't.  LOL.  Last night we went again, I started on the indoor track which I adore.  I was a bit sore so I was just walking and then I saw Marc start to jog and I was like, heck with that, if he can do it so can I.  I actually jogged THREE laps.  THREE!  Not in a row but one at a time and I did a bunch of 1/2 laps jogging too.  I didn't care what others thought of me, I just did it.  I'm so proud of myself.  The last time I ran was in High School when we were forced to do the dreaded mile, on my last lap someone tried to run past me and made me fall which sprained my ankle so I'm super proud of myself.  Then we did some swimming.  I have to say my body is pretty sore but it feels good. 

Today is a rest day, I have my internship tonight and I'm so looking forward to going home after and watching Teen Mom 2.  :-)

Life is Like a Box of Chocolates

I just want to thank everyone for all your kind and encouraging words!  You all keep me going.    

I went to the gym tonight for 1 HOUR and 20 MINUTES!  That is so unlike me.  I did 15 minutes of the Elliptical which was TORTURE. I have no idea how I did 30 minutes yesterday.  I was going to wimp out after 5 minutes but I kept going thinking of you other banders out there and kept pushing myself until I reached 15 minutes.  

Then I went to the track and walked, I think I did the mile, I lost count of my laps because I started jogging in intervals!!!  Can you believe it!?!  I still can't and I did it.  LOL.  Just call me Forrest Gump because "I was running!"  I so wish you could hear my impersonation of Forrest because it's that good.  :-)

I'm so super duper proud of myself.  I walked about 5 or so laps and then I started doing little intervals of jogging in between the lines.  I felt like a fool and was super self conscious but I did it anyway.  Marc was there with me and he assured me that I didn't look dumb running, I felt all jiggly but whatever...I'm trying very hard not to care about what others think of me.

After my walk/run, I went swimming.  I love to swim, it just doesn't feel like exercise.  I'm planning to go again tomorrow after work, I have to keep up this good work until I can't live without my gym routine.

I was scheduled to go to my internship today but after a crazy hectic day at work and starting to make excuses about not going to the gym after my internship I did something to take care of me.  I canceled on my internship and went to the gym for ME.  I put myself first.  I have to remember this as my schedule gets crazy again.  

I also called my nutritionist and chatted about my progress and how I did a little a whole heck of a lot of binging this weekend.  I held myself accountable and I've moved on.  The old Leslie would have just felt bad for the rest of the week and justified more bad eating until my appointment with the nutritionist later this week.  I'm trying so hard to keep this up, it's like a full time job!

I'm also giving some serious thinking to attending BOOBS in Chicago.  I'd really love to go but it comes down to money, I have to research and see if we can swing me attending.  Fingers crossed!!

NSV!

I am not happy with my weight this week.  I suppose I should cut myself some slack since it was the first week of my internship but I do not not not not want to get back into the bad habits of when I started school last May.

Last week:  316.2lbs

Today:  315.7lbs.

Yes, I know it's a loss but when my all time low this week was 315lbs, it is hard to swallow.  

I'm moving on though.

I had a HUGE GIGANTIC NSV this morning.

We joined our local YMCA, mostly because they offer classes and a pool and Planet Fitness does not.  Today was our first morning going and I had a huge victory.

THIRTY MINUTES ON THE ELLIPTICAL WITHOUT STOPPING!

I have never ever ever ever done more than 10 minutes at a time on the Elliptical.  Usually I do 5 or 7 minute intervals and then go hop on a different machine and then go back to the Eliptical.  The most I have ever done at once was 10 minutes and that was single time.  The most combined I've done the elliptical going back and forth between machines was 18 minutes.  

You know who inspired me today?

Nikki from Chasing Skinny.  She has been kicking the Elliptical's butt this week and it has totally inspired me.  At first I was going to do 10 minutes....then I was feeling good, bumped up to 15 mins....still feeling good....20 minutes...which was hard but I wanted to do over a mile....so I put in 26 minutes....then 4 minutes of cool down for a total of 30 minutes, 323 calories and 1.76 miles.  YAY ME.

Thanks Nikki for kicking butt and inspiring me!

Can you spell binge?

I can.

L-E-S-L-I-E.

Ugh.

I'm pathetic.

Picture Love

I've always been a big fan of pictures and photography.  My living room is full of pictures hanging on the walls.  

Even at my heaviest I had pictures of myself on the walls, I didn't love all of them but I like looking at the pictures and remembering the good times.   Marc & I even both have a double frame each on our living room wall, one with a before picture and one with an after picture.  I look at those pictures everyday and give thanks to our bands.

Post Band, pictures are even more important to me.  They remind me from where I have come and motivate me to keep going on my harder days.  

I thought I would challenge all of my fellow banders to show me the picture love.  

I want to see the picture from before banding that makes you cringe yet inspires you to keep up the hard work, to drive past that McDonald's when you want a Big Mac like nothing else and to get out of bed to exercise in the morning.  Then I want to see the picture that puts a smile on your face, that you proudly look at and think, "Wow.  That's me."  

In all fairness, here are my pictures.

Cringe Worthy.  May 16, 2009. 

 This picture makes me want to puke.  It is also the picture that made me realize just how out of control my weight had gotten.  This picture was taken about 2 weeks before I called to make my first weight loss surgery appointment.  Even though I hate it, I keep it around.  It was a turning point in my life.  

Proud Picture.  January 25, 2011.

This picture is far from perfect (Hello fat stomach roll!) but I love it.  It shows me how far I have come.  I've got a sassy pants pose going on and you can just tell that I'm happy and not ashamed of myself.  Plus, it's a full body shot.  I barely have any full body shot photos that I haven't cropped my fat stomach out of.  But I'm not going to do that with this one, it's posted for all to see and I'm proud of that.

Now it's YOUR turn.  

Post away!  

I want to see and if you do post and I'm not following please leave a link in the comments so I can see your picture love.  I want to see how many banders we can get to share the picture love so please please please share this on your blog!

Stupid Scale

I hate my scale today.

It was a jerk.

I was up 1.3lbs since yesterday.

Stupid dumb scale.

It better be nice to me tomorrow morning or ELSE.

Fried Food Running Through My Brain

The scale was good to me again this morning.  315lbs even.  Only 5.6lbs to go until I hit 100lbs lost!!

I haven't eaten much the last two days, I've been too busy with work and internship to even think about food.  Yesterday I had just over 600 calories and Tuesday was about 900 calories.  It's not something I'm doing on purpose but I get home and I'm so tired that I don't want to eat and I'm not going to force myself to eat if I don't want too.  That just doesn't sound like a good idea. 

FYI, I never thought I would be one of those people who just didn't feel like eating.  I'm the girl who used to get upset when she had the flu and couldn't eat!

With all this great progress I've had lately for some reason today all I can think about is CHINESE FOOD.  I want real crab rangoons and general gao's chicken like you wouldn't believe.  Then I thought of better alternatives...Chipotle  which is crazy high in carbs and then Panera Bread.  The sandwich I usually get from Panera, The Chipotle Chicken with Whole Grain White Bread and no bacon is still over 500 calories.  I just can't justify that.  Bah.

So here it is, almost time to leave work and I have no plan for dinner.  Marc & I are supposed to go grocery shopping tonight and I'm just not feeling it.  I do not want to sabotage myself with Chinese food yet I do not want anything we have at home.  Blah.  I hate it when I get in these moods.  I just need to power through it.

Amanda from Life as a (hopeful) Loser has convinced me that I need to dig out the Beginner Yoga DVD I have only used once.  I'd really love to take an actual Yoga class but I don't know if I have the confidence yet to try in front of other people.  I love the Yoga activities on my Wii Fit so I just need to try more. 

I'm going to go try to chant "5.6lbs....5.6lbs.......5.6lbs until 100lbs lost..." until I leave work so I won't stop and get the scrumdidiliumcious evil Chinese food.

Random Update

My scale actually moved in the right direction this morning....since Sunday, I have been up .4lbs, I know it's not a lot but it was bothering me. 

This morning....315.8lbs. 

I also made it to this gym this morning, I almost didn't  but I pushed myself out of bed and out to the gym and did the 30 minute circuit workout again.  I like it, I feel like I accomplish a lot in that 30 minutes compared to 30 minutes on the treadmill.  1 hour of exercise for the month of March finished, only 11 more hours to go.  *groan*  I have goals of going to the gym tomorrow, Friday and Sunday.  Saturday I would like to go to the gym but I have an early morning dentist appointment and then my parents are coming down so I might just do a Wii Fit workout that day.

Thanks for all your wonderful feedback on calories and soda.  I've decided that I want to keep my calories under 1,200 each day or close to it.  I think that is very doable.  I also think me having 1 diet soda a day is not going to derail my weight loss horribly.  The soda doesn't seem to affect my band at all.  I am going to talk this over with my nutritionist at my next appointment and see what she thinks of my diet soda plan. 

Still no take-out, it's been 11 days since we had take-out which is AMAZING with how busy I have been.  I'm quite proud of us/me since I'm usually the one pushing for the take-out yumminess.  Last night I had my internship, I had packed dinner for myself but didn't eat until I got home.  I have the internship again tonight and last night I decided to cook dinner in advance for tonight since I knew we were doing chicken wings and they take an hour to cook.  The old Leslie would have justified take-out or something like that.  I'm quite proud of myself.  I just have to keep up these good behaviors no matter how tired or stressed I become over the next few months.

Only 9 more days until my ob/gyn appointment.  I am so nervous yet excited.  I really really hope she gives me all the clear to start trying without having to deliver in Boston.  I have to make a list of questions so I make sure everything gets answered, sometimes I get flustered and forget what I wanted to ask. 

Have any of you tried the Lemon Chobani Greek Yogurt?  It's my new favorite flavor, so delightful.  I highly recommend trying it if you haven't yet. 

I finally took my engagement ring off.  It was sliding almost all the way off my finger and I decided to put it away so I don't loose it.  My wedding band is still on but my finger feels naked with out my engagement ring.  I don't want to get sized quite yet, want to lose a bit more weight and then I will. 

I guess that is enough random things from my brain today.

Happy Wednesday!

I don't know how...

....I'm going to survive work, internship and school.  School hasn't even started back up yet and I'm already exhausted.

I had a lovely long post planned in my head for tonight but I just don't have the energy to do it after work and internship today.  I have thoughts on soda and calories so stay tuned.

I must go to bed if I'm going to get up and go to the gym in the morning.

I had my alarm set this morning and my lazy butt snuggled under the covers and set the alarm for an hour later.  I was so mad at myself when I woke up.  UGH.

Please send me good vibes for the morning so I can wake up and get myself to the gym!  I've only exercised for 30 minutes so far this month.  I must do better no matter how tired or busy I am.

Questions, Soup vs Ravioli & Diet Dr. Pepper

I'm having a difficult day...or maybe just a more "trying" day.  I want to eat everything in sight today.  I know why too, I'm tired and cranky which equals no control over my eating.  I'm fighting VERY hard to keep control.

So one thing I did to keep control was switch up my lunch.  Lately I've been having Campbell's Cream of Broccoli soup in that heat & sip container along with 1oz of cheese.  It's a good lunch and I usually look forward to it.  Not crankypants me today.

So I went to the vending machine and settled on Chef Boyardee Ravioli.  Yum!  Then I compared calories between the ravioli and broccoli soup.

Ravioli

190 Calories

5g Fat

29g Carbs

7g Protein

Broccoli Soup

160 Calories

10g Fat

15g Carbs

3g Protein

Conclusion:  Ravioli is not so bad compared to the soup I usually have so I will NOT feel guilty.

The other thing I will not feel guilty over is Diet Dr. Pepper.

I swear, if I could have an IV of Diet Dr. Pepper I would.  I love it, I crave it everyday, I have had Dr. Pepper chapstick, Dr. Pepper jelly beans and even Dr. Pepper scented soap to help me get over my soda cravings since be banded.  On Friday night, I told Marc, I want ice cream but I think I could be satisfied if I had a Diet Dr. Pepper...so to the store I went.

Delicious. 

Calorie Free.

Carbonated.

Diet Dr. Pepper.

Mmmm.

So why aren't we supposed to have soda anymore?  Is my band going to explode?

I can't remember what my doctor said about it.

Next thing....how many calories do you all eat a day? 

I'm all over the place it seems.  I've been keeping track for a week now.

My lowest day was 1,087 calories.

My highest day was 1,720 calories.  (Frosty from Wendy's day)

Where do you guys fall, if you keep track?

My nutritionist said not to focus so much on the calories but the 4oz of protein but I have to keep track or I justify eating bad things.  I'm going to talk to her again at my appointment next week but I am just trying to get a feel if I'm on track or not.  It seems like it but still, I guess I need reassurance.

1st day of Spring Challenge

I'm in love with my scale lately.  I look forward to waking up and stepping on it every morning.

This is what greeted me this morning.

Woo Hoo!!!

I sent my picture for the Spring Challenge bright & early this morning and then headed to the dreaded gym.

I was sooooooo dreading it but I forced myself to go and it wasn't half bad.  

I did the 30 minute express workout at Planet Fitness, it involves machines and then little stepping stations, I believe it's a circuit workout.  Talk about a workout!!  So much better than walking on the treadmill.  I felt good after my workout.

I'm going to go try and be crafty now.  I haven't had much luck lately with successful crafts, it is very depressing.

Have a good Sunday everyone!!

Photo Comparison

May 16, 2009.

March 5, 2011.

Same hideous dress from the picture above.

March 5, 2011.

I put a tshirt on in the above picture because I was feeling self conscious in my tank, but the pic didn't turn out bad so I decided to post it.  It's all about the small steps.

I will always always keep this awful BIG black dress to remind me where I started and someday it will hang next to a new LITTLE black dress and sexy heels since of course I wore ugly flats to the wedding in 2009.

I'm still on my 317.7lbs scale high from this morning.  

This might sound totally weird but my fingers feel super thin today.  LOL.  When I lace them together they feel small!  My body parts just don't feel small so it is an amazing feeling.  

317.7lbs this morning!

Wooooo Hooooo!!

I'm very excited.  :-)

Deep in Panic/Unfair Band Land

I weighed in at 319.4lbs this morning. Bah to the .2lb gain but it's nothing in the grand scheme of things so I'm not letting it bring me down.


I start my internship tomorrow. I'm nervous not because I think it will be difficult but for the last two months I've had a pretty rocking routine with coming home, doing exercise (not everyday mind you, wouldn't want to get too crazy over here) and trying to eat as healthy as possible. I'm so worried that starting my internship is going to ruin that routine. AND then classes start on March 31st. So that means Tuesdays, Thursdays & every other Saturday will be school and then I'm thinking Mondays & Wednesdays and every other Saturday will be internship.


Do you see why I'm in panic mode?


The busier I am, the less patience/time/desire I have to eat healthy. I will not not not stall out again on my weight loss like I did when I started classes last May. I just won't let myself.


I have to take the time to pack lunch & dinner those days. I have to continue journaling my food and of course find some time to squeeze in exercise because of course I do have a 40 hour full time job Monday - Friday. Sigh.


Just typing this all out I feel so hopeless with my busy upcoming schedule. I just have to keep my eye on the prize.


In other Leslie news...I have not had takeout food since Saturday night. THIS IS AMAZING. I am such a lazy slob that at least once during the work week I pick up wraps, Chipotle's or something on my way home. BUT NOT THIS WEEK. I'm so proud of me. I don't plan on having any takeout food this weekend either. I want to see how long I can keep up this streak.


Well, I did have ice cream twice this week but that's not the same is it? LOL. I forgot about that. I'm still saying my streak is alive. Ice cream isn't a meal, though it would be quite the tasty one.


Oh and now I need to vent.


Marc has weighed less than me for months and months now and I hate it. It upsets me. I know it's silly. Well I finally break into the 300-teens yesterday and Marc breaks out of them and weighs 310. I was so mad. I started to cry when he was scale whooping.


I know it's ridiculous and I should be proud of him but I was catching up to him and it just cements the fact that EVERYONE notices Marc's weight loss and then comments on mine as an afterthought. Even my own mother! It's so frustrating because not only have had my band LONGER but I had less to lose! I know, I know...men lose it faster, differently and Marc has even lost 130ish lbs compared to my 90lbs BUT STILL. I want to be noticed first just ONCE.


Plus on top of all this junk, I have the added pressure as being the one who will become pregnant and to become pregnant I still have weight to lose and then I have the risk of having fill taken out and then all the joys that come with pregnancy. I know having a baby will be worth all the struggles but it scares me half to death that I might lose some fill. I told Marc that it would only be fair that if I have fill taken out that he should have some taken out with me so that I don't struggle alone.


He rolled his eyes at me.


Totally unfair.


Okay. I'm done venting. Are there any other bandsters out there that are part of a banded couple like Marc & I? Do you struggle with these things? How do you deal with it?  What about those bandsters that are wanting to get pregnant soon?  I need someone to commiserate with!

Hello 90's and a Contest

Hello, 90.2lbs lost. 

Even though you are really nice number, I don't plan to stay long.

You see, I have to reach the 100lbs lost, I heard they are waiting for me.

Woo Hoo!!

90.2lbs lost!!  I can't believe it.  I'm so proud of myself.  I had been in such a slump for months and months and now I'm doing so much better.

For exampe, on April 2, 2010 I was at 68lbs lost or 341.4lbs.

On January 4th, I weighed 339.1lbs.

That means in NINE months I stayed the same.  I yo-yo'ed up and down between 341 to 328, it's so sad that over nine months I had no progress. 

Oh well, not going to dwell.  I'm in a really good place and I have already lost 20.1lbs since January. 

I only have 9.8lbs to lose until I hit 100lbs.

Let's do a contest. 

I will send whoever guesses the exact day (for example March 14th) I hit 100lbs lost, a little prize. 

Not quite sure what the prize will be yet but a prize is a prize!

My first thought is maybe an Amazon gift card because I can just email that to whoever wins.

Put your guesses in the comments along with your email so I can contact the winner. 

Make sure you don't duplicate a date that has already been guessed.

I will post my weight everyday until I hit 100lbs lost. 

Ooooh, I'm excited!

Let the guessing begin!