Just Call Me Draz & Other Things

So it wasn't a great eating weekend, not as bad as what I've been eating recently so it's a small improvement.  

It was a good weekend though.  Yesterday I went to a new place to get my hair cut and I decided to get some feathers in my hair a la Drazil.  I have been coveting the feathers ever since she posted them back in June.  I went for it!  I was a little apprehensive only because I do work for a bank and I don't want to do anything crazy to get me spoken too but I think I picked ones that were nice and subtle.

What do you think?

I seriously love them.  They bring that touch of fun I need to my daily life.  

I have packed my food for tomorrow.  I have everything planned out and I'm posting my plan so I can hold myself accountable.

*Breakfast: 1/2 cup Kashi Go Lean & Mango Greek Yogurt

*AM Snack: 1/2 cup of low fat chive cottage cheese and 1/4 cup of sunflower seeds

*Lunch: Mini Goat Cheese Salad from Whole Foods, Sesame Tofu and 1/4 cup of Cherries

*Extra Food: 100 calorie pack of dry roasted almonds / chocolate coconut luna bar

Dinner: Rosemary Mint Lamb Kebobs - going to have 4oz, we bought 2 skewers so I am guessing there is more than 4oz on each.  Gotta love leftovers.  Probably going to have the butternut squash souffle with that.  Not 100% sure.

Even being 2 years out from surgery, I have this fear that I'm going to starve at work.  I don't know what it is.  I do it when I order lunch/dinner/go out to eat/in Disney...basically wherever I am I always over order or over pack because I am afraid I will starve.  I mean...I'm not going to die or anything.  I don't know why I have this irrational fear but I really wish it would go away.  But there is something that makes it impossible for me to not pack that "extra" food.  I am sure I won't eat the almonds tomorrow and most likely not the luna bar either but I like knowing they are in my desk drawer.  I also emptied out my wallet of all coins and paper money so I have no temptation to use the snack machine at work.  I really want to lose this weight, I am sick of being my own worst enemy.  

I forgot to weigh in this morning, totally slipped my mind.  Probably didn't remember because I do not want to see the number.   My period still hasn't arrived.  It's been over 6 weeks and I feel like this huge bloated mess.  I know that isn't helping me wanting to eat everything in sight or the bloated feeling I have.  I'm sick of my body being out of whack.  Anyways, the point of this is that this week is going to be kick ass and I'm going to lose some weight and I'm going to put some money in my Disney Jar and I am going to kick weight loss butt...oh and I'm going to get my fill on Wednesday.

WOO HOO!!  It's gonna be a good week!!

And...again.

I'm tired.

It's a rainy day here in Massachusetts and I just want to curl up in my cubicle and fall asleep.  I think management would frown upon that though.  I really don't have anything too exciting to say except that I'm still here and still struggling.

I'm trying really hard to get out of my weight loss rut.  I've decided that I need to elimnate some carbs to help my body get rid of it's sugar cravings. 

I have no luck with moderation and carbs so I think I need to just wipe them out of my system to re-boot.  I'm not going all extreme with Atkins or anything just going back to my clinic's nutritional plan.  I need to get back on the weight loss train! 

But I have said this all before, for weeks now so I just need to do it.  I don't know what the heck is my problem lately.  I think I have too much going on and just can't focus on anything so I just do a little here and there. 

Anyways...I'm done babbling.  This post didn't really accomplish anything but there you go.  LOL.

Bander Basics

I really need to get back to basics.  My eating is not where it should be for a bander.  Last night, I ate a large roast beef sub with an order of french fries.  I mean, I eat slowly but I ate it.  I don't know what it is about roast beef subs but they are like my crack the last few months. 

But enough of that.  Marc & I were talking about how we have gotten away from the basics, we looked for our binders from the clinic but couldn't find them.  I think I'm guilty of throwing them away in one of my cleaning frenzies.  Oops. 

From what we remember, we are to eat 4oz of protein at each meal and follow that up with 1/2 cup of veggies.  Our clinic is a fan of the no carb thing which is so hard for me to do.  I need to strike a better balance though.  I know my clinic also says about 1 cup of food should satisfy for 4 hours.  That has never been the case with me.  Honestly, I feel like my hunger is never satisfied even when I had almost 10ccs in my band.  I have to really put my mind working when I'm hungry so I don't overeat.  I still also have the problem where I need to feel like I'm eating a good amount of food or my brain feels deprived, notice I say my brain, it's not always my stomach.

What guidelines do you follow?

I also need some meal ideas, especially breakfast.  I've been eating greek yogurt lately and I'm wondering if that is too much of a slider food. 

I have my version of taco salad for lunch, 4oz of ground turkey with taco seasoning, shreddad cheese, black beans, taco sauce and sour cream.  Yum!  I know this is one of those very fill meals.  I am looking forward to it.  I need to start finding enjoyment in the food I eat, appreciating healthy ingredients, fresh fruit and veggies, you know?  I focus too much on what I shouldn't be eating instead of all the yummy stuff I can be eating.  Like the taco salad or even my lunch from yesterday, tuna with a goat cheese salad from Whole Foods.  Have you ever had that salad?  It's a small side salad, comes with fat free balsamic, goat cheese, mixed greens, dried cranberries and walnuts.  Let me tell you, it is highly satisfying and $2.50.  Well worth it!

I really need to start kicking butt again.  I did make an appointment for a fill, next Wednesday.  I'm a little nervous for it only because I don't want my restriction to be too much.   I think I'm just going to ask for a smaller fill and see how that treats me.

"What the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve."

~ Napoleon Hill

New Challenge & Fill...?

I'm quitting the 5/50 Challenge and starting a new one.  I think with all the drama and bad news I've been having my heart is just not in the 5/50 Challenge anymore and I want to SUCCEED so I'm starting a new one.  You can just call me quitter.  :)

As you may know, I am huge fan of Disney.  Call me addicted, call me childish, call me what you want but Disney makes me happy.  I am going to theme this challenge to Marc & I's Disney trip in January which is in 173 days. 

I'm using my weigh in on Sunday to start this challenge, 331.7lbs.  My official weigh in day will be on Sundays.  I'm still going to take pictures each week and I haven't figured out an exercise goal yet but when I do I will post about it.  Marc isn't joining me on this challenge because he said "You are motivated, I automatically do better."  Okay then! 

My goal is to lose 60lbs before we leave on our trip on 1/15/12.

To help keep me motivated Marc has agreed to set aside $2 per lb that I lose for spending money on the trip.  If I hit the 60lbs lost before 2011 ends then I will get a $50 bonus.  That is a lot of monies!  I will get all that money for our trip to spend on whatever my little heart desires.  If I lose more than 60lbs then I will get $2 for those lbs too.

The catch is if I don't hit the 60lbs lost before our trip then Marc gets to have the money to spend on whatever he wants, he said he will torture me with a new techy gadget or something else that I think is completely frivolous.  Trust me, the thought motivates me.

Marc & I are doing a real budget trip for January and we are really keeping an eye on our expenses and right now we have nothing set aside for spending money.  We were just going to see how our finances are when we left.  I usually don't buy too much but I like having some money for purchases.  I'd really like to fit into some of the shirts they fit into the park, I have never bought one before and I want too!

So what am I calling this challenge?  I have my friend to thank for the title.

SupercalifragilisticLeslie'sThinadocious Disney Challenge.

I love it.  Mary Poppins is one of my all time favorite Disney movies so it is "practically perfect" in every way.

Thank you for all your supportive comments yesterday!  I am happy to report that I did NOT venture to the snack machine and made it home to eat a nice yummy dinner.  I was proud of myself and sometimes just having a really good day like that empowers me to make better choices and get back on track.  I was bad and weighed myself this morning and the scale has started to move back down.  I'm putting that darn scale away until Sunday now that I have the motivation back again.

I'm also debating on getting a teeny fill.  My hunger shouldn't have been as bad yesterday as it was, I know that my body is detoxing from the junk but I need to get back to bander basics and I think a fill might help me with that.  I just want a teeny one to start, like 1/2 cc or something like that.  I know I was too tight when I was unfilled (defilled? whatevs!) back in February and I don't want to go back to that too tight space, it is not fun.

For instance, for breakfast this morning at 8AM I had a lemon greek yogurt and 1/2 cup of Kashi GoLean Crunch and by 10:30 I was freaking starving.  I just ate my snack of chive cottage cheese (can't remember if it's a cup or 1/2 cup, I know it's the serving that is on the container) and a serving of sunflower seeds.  I think the greek yogurt and Kashi should have held me longer than 2 1/2 hours. 

I'm scared to get a fill after February and not being able to hold even water down.  What do you all think?

Gotein Giveaway Winner!

I'm a horrible blogger!  I totally forgot about picking a name for the Gotein giveaway on Friday.  Yikes!  I'm sorry everyone.  I blame everything that is going on in my crazy life.

I used random.org to generate a winner.  I put in #1 - 5 since I had 5 people enter and the winner was....

#2 Cat!

Please email me or I will email you!!

Thanks everyone for entering!!

Help!

I need encouraging comments STAT.

In my quest to eat less today I did not pack enough food for my work day.

I'm done eating everything and STARVING.  To top it off I am the only one in my department and my day has been sucktacular.



This is how my tongue feels!
*not my actual tongue, thank you google!


Instead of making my way to the snack machine with the coins jangling in my wallet I am posting in hopes that you will all tell me NOT to ruin the good progress I have made yesterday and today. 

Meaning no junk food, no sweets, no chocolate.  I am trying to detox and right now my little tastebuds are SCREAMING to be fed some sugar.

Help me!  I think we banders need a Banded Superhero to swoop in and help us in times like this.  They would have a superhero super belt with snacks like cheese sticks, almonds and protein bars! 

And....done!

So I decided to step up on the scale this morning for accountability reasons....BIG mistake.  Big in more ways than one.

331.7lbs

Ridiculous.  That is about 24lbs UP from my lowest weight.  I'm sad for myself because I have let stress and emotions rule me instead of focusing on my health goals.  

Well today it is stopping.  I need to detox my body and get back on track.  I'm just pissed off and not going to do this to myself anymore.  No more justification for eating poorly or not exercising.  I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself and get this done.

I don't know if I can get under 300lbs before my Birthday but I am going to try like hell.

Moving on...

Marc & I went boating with my parents and brother this weekend in Maine.  It was awesome.  We went tubing again like we did last year and I did so much better getting up on the tube this time around.  I like seeing that progress.  Here are a few photos...

Marc & my brother's dog, Dylan

I am ready to kick some ass this week in weight loss, in the 5/50 challenge and I will NOT post another gain for the Back to Basics Challenge.  

I Will

I woke up this morning telling myself that today was going to be a good day and so far it has been.  Woo hoo to the power of positive thinking.

I had another bad moment yesterday.  I've talked about my nutritionist on here a lot, I love her, she is awesome and has been one of the biggest supports for me in this 2 year band journey.  I see her at least once a month at the clinic and talk to her probably close to once a week, maybe not quite that often but a lot.  She's been through this whole journey with me.  I touched base with her yesterday on what was going on and she told me awful news.  She is leaving our clinic.  I just started crying again and I feel bad about crying because it probably made her feel worse but I just don't want to think about her not being at the clinic.  She is calling me today to give me her email because like I told her in the past she can't get rid of me so easily.  Hehe.  I know she isn't disappearing from my life but it was just hard to hear yesterday on top of the rest of the things going on this week.  I know she felt bad and I feel worse for crying but it's just one of those things I can't help.  My eye doctor once told me that I have very well lubricated eyes and for good reason, I cry easily!

But despite all this I'm staying positive.  I feel like I'm in a better place than I was earlier in the week.  I want to prove to myself that I won't be another failure statistic with the band.  I want to prove to all those naysayers that I can lose the weight and keep it off.  I just need to get my head back in the game and I'm slowly getting there.  This weekend I will amp myself up for exercising this week both in the morning and start adding evening walks as well.  I know I can do this.

I will be under 300lbs by my birthday. 

I will.

I will.

I will.

I want it so bad and I'm going to make it a reality!

Oh and remember that tshirt I posted about buying myself for my Birthday?  It's sold out on the Disney Website.  Here is your mission if you so choose to accept it.  FIND ME THIS SHIRT!  No, in all seriousness if anyone happens to come across this little beauty in a 1X, please buy it and I will pay you for the shirt and to ship it to me.  I have my eyes on ebay but so far nothing.  I know it's a shirt that is being sold in Disneyland but seriously, I really want this shirt.  It symbolizes that I can lose the weight to me.  I really want to wear it on our January trip to Disney.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Plugging Along

Mentally, I'm feeling better.  Which is good.  I feel like I'm in a much more positive space and trying to remain in the frame of mind that everything is going to work out.  I really want it to be next week so that we will know more after Marc's appointment.

Thank you for all your sweet comments and emails yesterday.  They mean the world to me that I have the support out there.  I'm so thankful for all of you.

Eating wise I'm doing awful but then again overeating is how I handle stress.  I really need to come up with some coping skills/activities to get me out of the overeating arena.  I was disappointed to see that one of my shirts I wanted to wear to work this morning was too tight, it is that TOM so I know that has to do with it but not all of it.  I may skip in the Back to Basics Challenge weigh in this week, if I see that the scale has gone up more I don't know if I can handle that and do well.  I think I can skip one week with no weigh in and still be in the running.  Anyone know for sure?

This weekend should be a good one.  We are renting a pontoon boat with my parents, brother and his wife on Saturday.  It will be a fun day on the lake and I'm really looking forward to a relaxing day on the boat with lots of sun, good company and hopefully some reading.  I might even go out and buy myself a new juicy summer book for the occasion.  I won't lie I am also looking forward to the best ice cream in the world, it's actually frozen custard and we had it last summer for the first time after driving by the stand for years and years and OMG it is the best.  It will probably end up being our dinner because it's so gigantic-ly delicious.

I'm going to force myself to get back on track the next few days.  I'm not going to say I'm doing it today or even maybe tomorrow because when I do that and then I can't get myself back on track the guilt makes it worse and then it takes me longer.  I just need to slowly start making better choices and get my head on straight again.  I know I can do it.  I just need to find the motivation to do it.

Now for some positive staments/beliefs.

*I love the way my toes look in the sandals I'm wearing today, they are cute.  The OPI color I am wearing is called "Strawberry Margarita".

*I think my eyes are my prettiest feature.

*Even though I am having a tough time eating, I know this slump/weight gain is just temporary...I WILL GET BACK ON TRACK SOON.

*I believe that Marc & I will have kids someday, somehow.

*I believe that I will be under 300lbs before my birthday, 9/3.

Sadness

I've had a bad few days.  My doctor's appointment did not go as well as I would have liked on Monday.  Basically, Marc has to go for futher testing and I do have Polycystic Ovary Syndrom.  I was expecting the PCOS diagnosis, I wasn't expecting Marc to have to go for futher testing.  Basically depending on his results they will either give me clomid to induce ovulation or we will be referred to a fertility clinic in Boston for IVF.

I'm pretty much devastated.  I think on Monday I was in shock but yesterday was awful.  It started with me crying in the shower when I woke up and just went on from there.  I went to work for about an hour and then went home.  I needed a day to get my head on straight.  When I went to bed last night my eyes were so sore from crying on and off all day.  I don't feel so hopeless anymore but Im not looking forward to the joys of possible IVF.  I'm trying really hard to stay positive but being a mom is the one thing I have always wanted in my life, other things change but I have known from a very young age that I was meant to be a mom.  And I know that it will still happen, just not in the way that I thought.  I'm scared of IVF and I can see my dreams of a larger family slipping away.

I wasn't sure if I was going to blog about this because it seems so private but on the other hand I think infertility can sometimes be this hidden thing, that's not to say I'm ready to post about this on my Facebook page with all my friends and family reading about it.  I guess I need this blog to be my outlet, so I don't have to keep everything in.  I'm not sure who from my "real" life reads this blog but hopefully if they are reading this they will understand to keep this private and that if I don't bring it up, please don't talk to me about it. 

We are in a waiting game until Marc has his appointment next week and who knows where that will lead us exactly.  My eating has not been great the last two days obviously but I did get up and walk this morning and I have grand ambitions of staying on plan today and not going overboard with my food.  The thing is, even with my emotional eating yesterday and Monday, it did nothing to comfort me.  I'm kinda meh about food right now.  I just don't care.  I hope that it continues so that I can lose some weight.  The one good thing to come out of my appointment was that my doctor told me that even if I weight 120lbs this would still be a problem so what we are going through is not weight related, I guess that could be considered a NSV?  I mean, most of the time my appointments are filled with weight discussions but even if I was thinner then we would still be having these issues. 

I'm just sad and I guess that is okay.  I just have to accept how things are going to unfold and believe that Marc & I will have a baby someday.

Gotein Giveaway

The nice people at Gotein sent me a sample of their products to try.  I absolutely love the idea of having a source of protein in packets to use on the go.  I will admit that I have never been a huge fan of protein shakes though, post-surgery I had to choke them down when I was on liquids.

From the Gotein website...

Gotein™ Protein to Go, helps refuel the body, and improves lean muscle mass while burning fat*. Perfect for the sports minded person that needs to perform at their best while exercising or playing a high energy sport.* Drink approximately 1/3 of a 16.9 fl. oz water. Add complete packet of Gotein™ to your water bottle, swirl and shake well until completely dissolved and enjoy a tasty, low carb shake!

I drank mine from my Blender Ball.  The strawberry flavor was my favorite by far.  There is absolutely NO AFTERTASTE which is a huge plus in my book.  I think my biggest problem with protein shakes is the aftertaste.  Marc tried them as well and agreed that strawberry was the best. 

When I wrote back to Gotein telling them what I thought, I mentioned that if they could make the protein powder more like Crystal Light and more water based than protein shake based I would drink them on a daily basis as a source of protein.  I think I have a mental block that makes drinking protein shakes hard for me.  I know you mix Gotein with water but it still has that protein shake taste, I much rather it be like Crystal Light taste/consistency.  They did say they would pass along my suggestion and also told me they are developing a cafe mocha flavor right now.

What this all means is that I have a sample of Gotein to give to one of my lucky readers!!  Just leave your email address in the comments below or another way to contact you and you could be the lucky winner.  I will draw a name randomly on Friday to send out the sample to.  If you post a link to this post on your blog, you will get two entries!

Good Luck!

I Should Be in a Parade

I dutifully stepped on the scale this morning and was not happy with the number that greeted me but I'm not letting it get me down.  

Are you ready for this?

328lbs!!!

Can you say what the )(#$*@_#95432075_!)(##@$(#@_)(#@_!??????!!!!!

I did.  Then I realized that I am bloated more than a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon and  it's that lovely time of the month so this is fake weight gain.  I almost wasn't going to blog about it or email my weight to Gilly but I decided to be honest.  That's 11lbs over what I started the 5/50 Challenge at and about 8lbs over what I started the Back to Basics Challenge.  Sigh.

I'm not letting this get me down.  I have decided that I must must must start logging my calories again and that I'm going to shoot for 90 minutes of exercise EACH day.  I'm talking 90 minutes of pure physical activity.  I need to cut the shit. I'm sick of myself not doing the weight loss thing.  I have a friend on the Disney message boards that I go on and she had the gastric bypass last year and she has lost 150lbs in exactly one year, yes I know they are different but almost 2 years out of surgery I should be way lower than I am.  

I will weigh less than 300lbs by September 3.

I will weigh less than 260lbs by the time I go to Disney in January.

I will weigh less than 200lbs by September 3, 2012.

Those are my goals and I want to achieve them and I will achieve them.  I have to believe in myself.

Mini-Goals for the Week.

*Pack my lunch everyday for work

*When I feel like stress eating, crochet, blog or go out for a walk

*650 minutes of exercise Monday - Sunday

*Believe that next Sunday that the scale will be significantly lower

BYOC - TGIF!

I need a little fun this week, so I'm doing Drazil's BYOC.

It's Friday so that means it's BYOC - Bring Your Own Crazy!  We answer questions today in an effort to get to know each other better and to give our blogging brains a break.  Copy and paste to your own blog if you so desire...and ENJOY!

1.  Let's do something crazy....I'm going to list the rainbow colors and you type the first FOOD item that pops into your head that symbolizes that color for you...

Red - Apple

Orange - Popciscle

Yellow - Corn

Green - Peas

Blue - M&Ms

Purple - Cabbage

Brown - Rice

Black - Licorice, I hate black licorice I don't know why this popped into my head.

2. What is on your kitchen table right now?

You mean my dumping ground?  Let's see, library books, reusable grocery bags, at least three notebooks filled with various lists and notes, I'm totally addicted to lists, reciepts, if I had to guess probably one of my cats but since I'm at work that is a guess and a book that I ordered from Amazon UK that I haven't read yet.  We obviously don't eat at our kitchen table....

3.  What movie do you watch again and again and again?  Not like what movie have you seen 5 times...but like what movie have you seen 30 times or more?

I actually have a lot of these because I watch a movie and become completely addicted to it and have to watch it compulsively. 

I would say my top three are as follows:

Sex and the City: The Movie (the first one naturally)

Julie & Julia

Little Women with Winona Ryder

4. If Satan had a last name - what would it be?

Hitler.

5. Repeat Question: Summarize you week in blogland and in real life.

Blogland was good this week, I had amazing support when I felt like I was falling apart, it never amazes me how much the support of my fellow bloggers means to me.

Real Life sucked hairy monkey balls this week.  I had all those doctor appointments on Monday, Sully had an emergency vet appointment, the AC in my car broke and then my computer screen broke.  Just a lot going on and while none of it was life or death it totally threw me for a few days.  I am feeling better now though and I am fully committed to getting back on track this weekend.

Weekend Goals

I am so very thankful that today is Friday, I just hope this workday goes by faster than the rest of the week.  I can see the finish line to start the weekend and I am more than ready.

Yesterday was a much better eating day until dinner but I knew what I was doing and I am not going to beat myself up over my choices because that will just make me feel worse and more likely to not stay on plan today. 

I am setting some weekend goals for myself to help me stay on track, I think I need a few days to "detox" my body from all the crap I have been putting into it this week.  Marc will be around all weekend to and that is usually a good source of support to stay on track. 

*Go for a long walk tomorrow after my bloodwork, shooting for 2 hours
*Work out on Sunday before we go see Harry Potter
*Resist take-out food, not only for calories but for saving money too
*Plan our Disney dining reservations which we can make on Tuesday
*Re-watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 on Saturday night
*Plan healthy meals for the week for myself
(Marc is at his bartending course all next week at night)

I feel like I can accomplish all of these goals.  On Sunday I am going to set myself some weekly goals, I am committed to getting back on track and staying there.  I want to lose the 50lbs for the 5/50 Challenge and I'd like to lose 70lbs before our vacation in January.  I know I can do this, I believe I can do this.

"Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared believe that something inside of them was superior to circumstance."
~Bruce Barton

Better

First off, I want to thank everyone for your kind comments yesterday.  Knowing that I have support out there in blogland makes me feel so good and helps bring me out of the funk faster. 

I'm feeling a lot better today and it even started last night...after my computer monitor completely broke and we had to run out to Best Buy to purchase a new one.  Oy to the vey.

 I need to stop doing a lot of things, I need to get back into how motivated I was when I first got my band and even before when I was doing a pre-op diet.  I lost my pre-op weight so quickly that they moved my surgery from October to August.  I need to find that Leslie again and kick butt in the weight loss and being healthy.

A lot of my eating is due to stress and not being able to control situations.  I think my appointment on Monday with the ob/gyn really shook me up.  I'm not offering this as an excuse either, I'm just trying to be more aware of my triggers.  It's almost like if I do have PCOS there is nothing I can do to change that, yes they can help me get pregnant which is good but it's just now hitting me and what if something else is wrong with me that could be even more serious?  I'm just worried and my dreams have been out of control this week, my dreams are where my stress manifests itself.

I need to get control of my stress and emotional/stress eating once and for all. I'm not sure how I'm going to go about doing that but stress eating just leads me to feel more miserable about the food choices I make, it's a vicious cycle. 

I need to focus on other things so I made myself a nice to do list for today and most likely into the weekend of things I want to get done.  I'm also going to focus on our vacation in January, plan our park days, make a budget, fun things like that which I enjoy doing. 

Cat mentioned when I talked about ordering this shirt when I hit under 300lbs before my birthday (did you notice the when in there, not the if?) that I should order the shirt 2 sizes smaller.  Cat's comment has stuck with me since then and at first I thought there is no way I could fit in a 1X Disney shirt, which run notoriously small in January.  The more I think about this, the more I want to fit in a 1X.  The highest size they have is 3X which is what size shirt I wore in January 2011 to Disney.  I want to be in that 1X in January 2012.  I am going to make it happen.  So I told myself then I started making excuses, "What if the shirt is too short?"  I'm telling myself now, I will wear a tank top underneath it.  Then I said to myself, "What if I waste the money and the shirt doesn't fit in January?  I should just order the 2X, I know I can fit in that."  I'm telling myself that I will fit into that 1X and if I don't, then I will eventually because I will be under 200lbs by 9/3/12.  I am trying so very hard to believe in myself. 

*I will make healthy eating choices today.

*I will let go on things I have no control over.

*Our money situation can only get better.

*I have really nice penmanship.

*I have had a lot of success in losing weight.

*I will dig out my yoga dvd by Sunday in hopes that it will help me de-stress.

*I believe I will weigh under 200lbs by 9/3/12.

Thanks again ladies for all your wonderful support!

Hopeless

I don't know what my problem is.  I'm sick of myself.  Why can't I get over this emotional/lazy/unhealthy way of eating? 

I'm trying really hard not to be upset with myself with the way I have been eating the last few days and it's not working so the guilt I am feeling just makes me eat worse.

Today, I just don't care.  I don't care if I lose anymore weight, I don't care if I gain weight, I don't care.  I think a large part of this is due to PMS, I think my period will be starting soon and this is how I felt last month when I ate myself back to 320lbs from 307lbs.  I can't go through this every month when I'm off the pill and if I want to have a baby I can't be on the pill. 

Yesterday I went out and got take-out for my lunch, something I haven't done in I don't even remember how long.  I don't think I've had take-out at work since 2010 at least.  Then today I go out and get the same sandwich again and instead of a bag chips and a cookie like yesterday, I get TWO bags of chips and a cookie.  I'm so mad at myself.  Why do I do this stupid shit?

I know getting a fill will not help me because I will try to eat all of this crap still and get sick which will make me more miserable and then I will turn to ice cream, mashed potatoes any other food I can get down my band.

I'm in such a dark place today that I even want to cancel our vacation to Disney in January.  I don't even care if we go.  I feel guilty about using money for a vacation instead of practical things like paying off our debt.

This week has just been a shit storm, having to take Sully to the vet, my AC in my car broke and my computer screen at home keeps blinking and shutting off and won't turn back on until I hit the back of it.  I know all of that seems like minor stuff but I have a very delicate balance going with working fulltime and trying to lose weight.  Anything else goes wrong and I just can't handle it.  I need to work less than 40 hours a week plain and simple so I can have time to do stuff for me and still get the house, money, etc stuff done. 

For example, I am making up time this week from being off on Monday since I am not paid for doctors appointments.  So I have been coming in before 7 which cuts into my exercise time and it's been so hot at night I can't make myself go out nor do I want to exercise with a dvd because we don't have AC in the house.  So then I feel like I'm taking away something from myself that I really need and then I lose focus on eating healthy and I'm tired because Tuesday morning I was up at 4AM after tossing and turning all night and all of those factors just lead me right to the take-out, fried food, ice cream, high calorie food I've been eating all week.

Hopeless is how I feel.  No matter how hard I try I still have these hopeless moments and I don't know how to pull myself out of the despair.  I feel like I'm never going to get what I want and it's not like I'm unreasonable...

I want to move to Maine.

I want to have a baby.

I want to work part-time (20 to 30ish hours).

How am I going to handle these feelings when I'm pregnant?  I know myself and I know I need to cut my work hours down or I am never going to make the permanent changes that I need to in my lifestyle.

Then to top it all off my co-worker tells me she has been noticing I have been eating junk again and I'm going to be 100% honest with you....I HAVE NOT BEEN EATING JUNK besides yesterday lunch and today lunch.  For the two solid months I have been back from my May vacation I have been eating healthy at work with the occasional twizzlers from the machines upstairs.What is she, the food police?  I have been packing my lunch everyday and bringing my healthy snacks, it just pisses me off.  So when I left to go get my wrap she says, "Have a healthy one", I responded, "It will be healthier than the fried fish sandwich you just ate from Friendly's, !"  Seriously.  I really wanted to say, "Bite Me Beeeyotch!"

I know I need to believe and stay positive but I'm trying to muster that up inside me today and I just can't.

I want chicken fingers.

Bullet-y Goodness

• I am feeling bullet-y today.
• My appointment went SO well yesterday.
• My doctor suspects that I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS).  I am having some blood work this week, Marc is being tested and then on Monday I am going for an internal ultrasound (you are so jealous, I know) and then I meet with my doctor to go over the results.  Chances are if everything checks out how she suspects she will put me on Clomid.
• I am not upset, even with the potential PCOS diagnosis at least I have a doctor who is LISTENING to me and helping me to become pregnant.
• My weight is a non-issue.  My last ob/gyn has many patients who switch to my new practice because of the weight issue.  There is NO hospital restriction on what weight you must be under in order to deliver.  I am angry at my old ob/gyn I have been obsessing over this for 18 months since the first time I saw her.  Stress = Emotional Eating!
• So basically, I'm on the road to becoming pregnant and I am very happy about that.  

  

  Sully as a kitten, 2004

  
• Ecstatic, Elated, Jumping for Joy, I'm the Queen of the World!  All of these describe how I am feeling today.
• Sad news from yesterday, I had to take my kitty Sully to the vet where they made me feel like Kitty Protective Services were going to barge in and rip him from my arms.  No, he's not up to date on his shots but he is an indoor cat and the picture of health until this eye thing.
• Basically, Sully was given a shot of antibiotics that will last 14 days.  They took pictures of his eye for the dermatologist to review when he is in on Thursday and he is to be in cone 24/7. 
• The Vet also said that if it doesn't clear up with the antibiotics, it may be an autoimmune disease which makes me scared.  I started crying when the Vet left to give him his shot.  I feel so badly.

  

  This is usually how you find Sully

  
• Sully has been with me for 7 1/2 years, through a marriage, divorce, an abusive relationship, moving back in with my parents, meeting Marc, moving to Massachusetts, another wedding, trying to have a baby, weight loss surgery, port relocation surgery, through all of this Sully has been with me every single day.  It will destroy me if I have to put him down or if he is seriously sick.  He is my first baby and I will always think of him as such.
• Sully is almost like a human child, he knows when something isn't right, like when I'm upset he will come sit right in my lap and nudge my face until I start petting him and usually after a few minutes I feel much better.
• He also freaks out if you are not home when you should be.  Sounds crazy, right?  Well if Marc is late getting home from work he meows and meows until I tell him, "Daddy will be home soon".  It's crazy but he did the same thing when I lived with my parents and they went away for the weekend.  I don't even want to know what he does when I go away for vacation.
• I do have another cat, Ruby who I love dearly but Sully just holds a special place in my heart.  He's my kitty boy.
• I sound like the crazy cat lady.
• I put my engagement ring back on today, it's still too big but I miss looking at it on my hand.  I feel naked without it.  I put my wedding band on after it in hopes that it will keep it on my finger.  I'm not ready to get it resized yet.
• I'm planning on a long walk on Saturday since this week is tough for exercise, it's super hot out when I get home from work and I'm going into work at 7 all week so not a whole of time to get in a workout.  This frustrates me.
• I'm happy this frustrates me as it means I actually WANT to exercise.
• I'm feeling very positive that I will get pregnant within the next year.
• I believe that I will meet my birthday goal of being under 300lbs.
• I'm proud of myself for switching ob/gyns and advocating for myself.

  

  My favorite picture of my Sully Boy.

  

Believe

I had a wonderful weekend, I hope all of you did too.  It was a very low key weekend but nice, I even napped on both Saturday and Sunday!  I love naps.  

I had a very productive appointment with my nutritionist on Friday afternoon.  I will spare you all the details but basically she told me what is holding me back is that I don't believe that I can lose the weight that I need too.  

The two main examples she gave me were:

#1. When she said, "You have lost 100lbs" I immediately corrected and told her no, I haven't, I am back up from when I lost 100lbs.  She said I don't give myself enough credit.

#2. I do great focusing on small goals but in the big picture I do not believe that I will ever weigh under 200lbs.

And...she is right.  I don't believe that I could ever weight under 200lbs.  I was in High School the last time I weighed under 200lbs.  Thinking about weighing less than 200lbs make me feel like I'm setting myself up for failure.  

What she said to me has really stuck with me all weekend.  I want to believe in myself.  In fact, I'm going to start believing in myself.  I think it is connected with me staying positive as well so I really need to work on these two things.

If you noticed over to the right, I have put a ticker up that has a goal of me weighing 194.4lbs.  That would be a loss of 215lbs and put me firmly under 200lbs.  I will reach this goal before my 30th Birthday on September 3, 2012.  I will begin my 30s healthier and at a lower weight than I have ever been in my adult life.  

So with all this focus on believing in myself and positive thoughts, I am going to end each of my blog posts with believe and positive statements.  

In the 5/50 Challenge, I'm doing okay.  I moved my ticker up to the higher weight from last week that I had when I weighed in for The Back to Basic Boobs Challenge.  I lost 3.3lbs this week!!  Woo Hoo!!  I need to keep up this good work.  I'm also kicking butt in the exercise department, I'm up to 705 minutes to the 10,000 minutes for 5/50 Challenge.  We dropped it down from 12,000 because with Marc's work schedule he won't get anywhere near that goal.  

And here are our weekly pictures.

I believe that my doctors appointment will go well today.

I am proud of myself for taking a 70 minute walk this morning.

I like the way I look in the picture I posted up above.

I will make healthy eating choices today and feel good about myself.

Today might be a double blogging day if I have time to share about my appointment.

Have a great Monday everyone!

Confession is Good

I confess that I'm so very cranky today.  I don't even have a reason to be cranky, I think it's the lack of sleep I got last night.

I confess that even though I am uber cranky today I have not indulged in unhealthy snacks and have stuck to the food I brought to work.

I confess that when I realized I packed two portions of my morning yogurt at my desk (I split a greek yogurt between 2 days) that I was too lazy to put the yogurt I didn't need in the fridge so now I have a ruined portion and I don't care.

I confess that I'm having serious doubts about participating in the Princess Half Marathon.  I know I can do it but I'm really worried about the money and it feels selfish of me to put more strain on our finances.

I confess that I exercised TWICE yesterday, in the morning and after dinner.  I am so proud of myself. 

I confess that I went all day yesterday not thinking about my weight in #'s.  In fact, I haven't really today either except for right now.  I'm in a good frame of mind right now and I'm just focusing on how good I feel instead of the #'s.

I confess that I am super nervous for my ob/gyn appointment on Monday.  I am very worried it will not go well.  I just want some answers in that department and an actual diagnosis that is backed up with tests and not doctors telling me "you are too fat to get pregnant".  Yes, true story that happened in 2009 before I had band surgery.

I confess that when my fertility monitor showed high fertility this morning I did a little dance in the shower.  This is my first month using it and so far no changes so I was starting to get very discouraged.

I confess that I'm bad Kitty Momma.  My poor Sully has been dealing with scratches on his eye for over a week now.  We have been cleaning them and treating them and last night they looked so good...only to wake up this morning and he scratched off the scabs and it was all bloody.  I am buying him a cone to go around his neck.  They need to heal and though he may hate me, he will have to deal with it.  We think his younger, much smaller kitty sister scratched him in the first place to give him these wounds.

I confess that I have a serious lobster addiction.  I've been eating lobster almost every weekend for over a month.  It's a freaking expensive habit but when I'm watching what I eat it is such a yummy treat to look forward to on the weekends instead of take-out or huge amounts of ice cream.

I confess that I am true Maine Native, when I say lobster, I say it "Lobstah".  I also use the word "wicked" a whole lot, I can't help it, it's a New England thing.

I confess that now that Marc works days I miss watching Sex and the City.  A lot.  Like more than I should.  Did I tell you I want the special edition of the first movie because it has special deleted scenes in the movie!!  EEK!  I must have it. 

I confess that I have a reward planned if I reach under 300lbs before my Birthday on 9/3 aka the last year in my 20's.  That t-shirt over there --->

Isn't she purdy?  I love it.  I really want it for our January Disney trip.  My biggest concern is what size to order because I know I will be a lot smaller by then because I KNOW I can lose the rest of the weight!

I confess that I almost lost this post because my computer froze and I panicked.  I am happy to report that my computer stopped acting stupid and I was able to rescue my post!

I confess that I'm in a better mood now that I have confessed to all of my readers.