I don't know what my problem is. I'm sick of myself. Why can't I get over this emotional/lazy/unhealthy way of eating?
I'm trying really hard not to be upset with myself with the way I have been eating the last few days and it's not working so the guilt I am feeling just makes me eat worse.
Today, I just don't care. I don't care if I lose anymore weight, I don't care if I gain weight, I don't care. I think a large part of this is due to PMS, I think my period will be starting soon and this is how I felt last month when I ate myself back to 320lbs from 307lbs. I can't go through this every month when I'm off the pill and if I want to have a baby I can't be on the pill.
Yesterday I went out and got take-out for my lunch, something I haven't done in I don't even remember how long. I don't think I've had take-out at work since 2010 at least. Then today I go out and get the same sandwich again and instead of a bag chips and a cookie like yesterday, I get TWO bags of chips and a cookie. I'm so mad at myself. Why do I do this stupid shit?
I know getting a fill will not help me because I will try to eat all of this crap still and get sick which will make me more miserable and then I will turn to ice cream, mashed potatoes any other food I can get down my band.
I'm in such a dark place today that I even want to cancel our vacation to Disney in January. I don't even care if we go. I feel guilty about using money for a vacation instead of practical things like paying off our debt.
This week has just been a shit storm, having to take Sully to the vet, my AC in my car broke and my computer screen at home keeps blinking and shutting off and won't turn back on until I hit the back of it. I know all of that seems like minor stuff but I have a very delicate balance going with working fulltime and trying to lose weight. Anything else goes wrong and I just can't handle it. I need to work less than 40 hours a week plain and simple so I can have time to do stuff for me and still get the house, money, etc stuff done.
For example, I am making up time this week from being off on Monday since I am not paid for doctors appointments. So I have been coming in before 7 which cuts into my exercise time and it's been so hot at night I can't make myself go out nor do I want to exercise with a dvd because we don't have AC in the house. So then I feel like I'm taking away something from myself that I really need and then I lose focus on eating healthy and I'm tired because Tuesday morning I was up at 4AM after tossing and turning all night and all of those factors just lead me right to the take-out, fried food, ice cream, high calorie food I've been eating all week.
Hopeless is how I feel. No matter how hard I try I still have these hopeless moments and I don't know how to pull myself out of the despair. I feel like I'm never going to get what I want and it's not like I'm unreasonable...
I want to move to Maine.
I want to have a baby.
I want to work part-time (20 to 30ish hours).
How am I going to handle these feelings when I'm pregnant? I know myself and I know I need to cut my work hours down or I am never going to make the permanent changes that I need to in my lifestyle.
Then to top it all off my co-worker tells me she has been noticing I have been eating junk again and I'm going to be 100% honest with you....I HAVE NOT BEEN EATING JUNK besides yesterday lunch and today lunch. For the two solid months I have been back from my May vacation I have been eating healthy at work with the occasional twizzlers from the machines upstairs.What is she, the food police? I have been packing my lunch everyday and bringing my healthy snacks, it just pisses me off. So when I left to go get my wrap she says, "Have a healthy one", I responded, "It will be healthier than the fried fish sandwich you just ate from Friendly's, !" Seriously. I really wanted to say, "Bite Me Beeeyotch!"
I know I need to believe and stay positive but I'm trying to muster that up inside me today and I just can't.
I want chicken fingers.
6 comments:
First off, I'm sending you a ginormous hug because it sounds like you need it. I hate it when I feel like that and I wish I could make it better for you.
It just goes back to one day at a time or even one moment at a time. Don't think about forever, just think about today. As hard as it is, think about how happy you are when you are successful.
Giving up is easier, but in the long run, it won't make you feel good. Fight it, my friend. I know you have it in you!
And sidenote: I love your comeback to your coworker because seriously?? That would annoy the crap out of me.
It's not you, it's the PMS monster. That shit is hard core. Your co-worker? I have visions of buying a big thick frosted brownie the size of my hand, just so I could throw it at the back of her head.
Oh Leslie...Seriously I'm sending you as Beth Ann said, Ginormous hugs too. We all feel this way occasionally. Seriously, re-read what Beth Ann just said too, you have to fight this, just one moment at a time. You know what? Those two bags of chips are just calories. Tomorrow don't purchase them at all. Get baked chips or if they have fruit, get that instead. One moment at a time is all we have, so use those and start to fight back. Again, as Beth Ann said, you will feel so much BETTER when you're fighting. You can do this, I BELIEVE in you dear.
The PMS evil is winning. I get the same way and want to get everything I can in my mouth and give up and rebel. Just try making healthier choices, if I crave potato chips I buy Terra or Boulder chips they are a little bit healthier for you, I eat fiber bars which taste like candy bars. Hugs hope you feel better!
Have you found a new therapist yet? I remember how positive you were about going to one but she turned out to be an idiot. Have you looked for a new one? It sounds like you suffer from depression (I'm not psychologist...just thinking aloud) and you may benefit from having someone to talk to about all your feelings.
Take one day at a time. One decision at a time. Tomorrow, take your lunch. You'll feel better. You can do this...be nice to yourself! ((HUGS))
I'm so sorry! I'm just now reading this. I hope that things have gotten better! Things are definitely not hopeless, they'll turn around soon. Big hugs to you!
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