My Patterns

I’m amazed at how my brain works.  I was so focused and determined when I started my Scale Whore Challenge last Thursday.  I counted every single calorie, weighed out all my food and exercised.  Every since I weighed myself on Monday my diligence while still meeting all of my goals, has gone way down. 

I find myself daydreaming about Hot Fudge Sundaes, thinking about French Fries dipped in honey mustard sauce and starting to rationalize how I don’t need to strictly count my calories this weekend since I’ve had such a good week.

WRONG.  When I realized what I was doing to myself yet again I wanted to slap my own face.  Seriously.  I’m still tempted to slap myself because I don’t know how to stop this pattern of behavior.  I think it has to do with the weigh in on Monday.  The fact that I had lost 6.6lbs, granted it was only a 2lb loss from my lowest but it translated to me rationalizing “permission” to have a few high calories meals, make poor food choices and cut myself some slack from being diligent.  WRONG AGAIN!  In reality it was a huge sign that diligence and commitment can get me to my goal of 259.4lbs by August 26^th.  I just need to cut the crap!  I didn’t indulge but it still messes with my head and then I start feeling sorry for myself and that just ramps up my desire to eat comfort food and when I don’t I feel miserable and grumpy and hopeless.  Not fun feelings to live with for the last two days.

I almost don’t want to weigh myself tomorrow but the Scale Whore in me who is obsessed with seeing that number on the scale has to do it and I want to finish the Challenge.  I think I need to make Week 2 have no extra weigh in and just weigh myself once a week. 

Then the question is when do I weigh myself?  On Fridays?  No, because then I will justify bad eating on the weekend?  On Mondays? So I can keep up the good work during the weekend and then get lazy with eating after work?  Those are the two patterns I’m struggling with.  #1, justifying higher calories on the weekends and #2, being lazy during the week and wanting to eat comfort food for dinner.  The thing that absolutely kills me about this is that I can still justify both of these behaviors at the time in which I indulge.  I’m not delusional!  I know I need to keep losing weight so why do I keep doing it?  Maybe I should just pick Wednesdays, a nice neutral day halfway in the week.  Hmm, I must think about, it sounds like my best option. 

I’ve made a decision about this weekend as well.  Marc is going to be away camping and I decided earlier in the week to go visit my parents on Saturday morning.  I’ll have Friday night to myself and then Saturday morning I will get up bright and early, spend time with my parents and most importantly be held more accountable in what I’m eating.  No, I’m not expecting my parents to be my calorie police but when I’m home alone sometimes I spiral out of complete control and I don’t want to sabotage myself.  As much as I cherish the idea of a weekend home alone I know that my will power is not strong enough to do that quite yet.  To help control my Friday night eating, I’m going to have seafood of some sort, low in calories, absolutely delicious and it feels like a treat to me.  Yum.

I think the key to me beating this pattern of mine is to keep a dialogue in my brain.  When I’m feeling like stress eating or emotional eating or lazy eating I just need to talk to my brain and remember why I’m doing this.