Crutches = Satan

Hi Everyone, thought I would check in real quick.

My foot sucks, crutches suck and I'm just in a suckity suck suck mood.  

I'm trying to be upbeat but I hate not being able to do anything for myself.  Marc went to a family reunion for a few hours today and of course I try to do something for myself and stumble on my crutches and land on my hurt foot.  Ouch to say the least.

I know I don't go back to work for more than a week but I'm already terrified of how I will look and deal with crutches at work.  I'm not graceful at all on these things.  I'm just BLAH about this whole situation.  Plus the pain medicine isn't really doing much for the pain.  Ice has been my best friend the last two days.  I'm hoping when I go to the doctor on the 15th that he will say I can actually put weight on my foot or something.  The crutches are sucking the life out of me.  

My eating isn't awful so that's a good thing.  I'm just so pissed this happened.  It's very frustrating.

Just call me Graceful!

Yours truly fell this evening and this is what I got!  A fractured foot, a boot cast for at least six weeks and those cursed crutches.  UGH!  

I seriously can't believe it. I spent almost 4 hours in the ER this evening.  I can't go back to work until August 16th and I don't think I'm ever leaving my house because going up and down the stairs is pure torture.  

Luckily a very nice orthopedic doctor came to the ER to see me since he lived close by and he was awesome.  He gave me this boot cast and really made me feel like this would recover.  The ER doctor was talking surgery and months long recovery.  Orthopedic doctor said that I could need surgery but he doesn't foresee that as long as I heal properly.  

I have officially decided that I am DONE.  Nothing else can add to the drama of my life!

NO MORE!

Put a fork in me, I'm done.

Recap of Fill Appointment

I had my fill yesterday.  The PA gave me 1 full CC.  I was happy with that.  I also cried a whole lot.  Like a lot, a lot.  It seems it is all I do lately.  The PA suggested that I meet with the new therapist at the clinic, as she is very experienced with weight loss patients and thought she might be helpful.  I had to wait around a bit but then I met with her and let me tell you, I am so thankful that I met with her. 

She gets it.  Like, she really gets it.  And she put into words how I am feeling about this whole getting pregnant situation.  She said, "It is like you a mourning a loss or a death."

Literally, a light bulb went off and I felt immediate relief to have the words for how I am feeling.  I am mourning a loss, the loss and realization that I may never get pregnant.  I know there are options and I know I should stay positive but honestly I do feel like something has died. 

We talked some more about how I am a person who likes to be in control and how right now with all the medical stuff, that eating is the only thing I have the control over.  It is very true and I do recognize that.

So the clinic therapist, we shall call her CT from now, wants to work with me.  I can tell that she has a lot of experience and I think she really gets the issues I'm struggling with in eating and infertility.   She was also able to accommodate me a bit in that on the days she stays late for support groups and info sessions, she can see me at 4:30 for an hour.  Which means I only have to leave work 30 minutes early.  I called HR and my boss and they are good with me doing that every other week or so, honestly it will probably work out to about twice a month.  I think CT will be an excellent fit with me and it was nice to have someone go out of their way to make sure I can get appointments with them.  She could use that time to get her own dinner or whatnot but she's willing to see me then.  I really appreciate that.  I'm going to see her next Wednesday and for the first time in weeks, I feel like I can actually conquer my emotional eating issues.

I'm not really noticing a difference with this fill yet but sometimes it days a few days for me to really notice.  I brought significantly less food with me to work than I normally do.

*Greek Yogurt & Nectarine for breakfast

*Soup for lunch

*Cottage Cheese with left over baked beans (OMG, I love this combination)

*2 Cheese sticks

I panic a little bit when I think about this but I'm just going to handle it.  Tonight for dinner we are having burger patties from Whole Foods.  No buns thank you very much and I think we are going to have butternut squash souffle from Whole Foods again.  I have seen these garden lites at other grocery stores too.  They have other types too, like spinach, zucchini and something else too but I can't remember.  I have only tried the butternut squash but it is seriously yummy.  It's 180 calories, 2g Fat & 9g of protein for the whole souffle.  I bet it would make a good mushie food for those baby banders out there too.  I just looked at their website and they have a cauliflower one, it looks delicious!  I must find more of these.

Things are looking up and when I weighed myself this morning the scale was down for the first time it what seems WEEKS.  Granted it was 332.9 but it was down from yesterday.  Yay!

Moderation vs. Perfection

I think I have identified my biggest struggle with the band.

Moderation vs. Perfection

Somehow I have got it in my head that in order to lose weight I have to be perfect.  I am not perfect, I don't do well when I deprive myself of certain foods.  I look at other banders out there who didn't eat any of those things that we shouldn't until they reached maintenance.  I wonder how the heck they did that?  Because I can't.  For example....I have this internal struggle going on that if I have ice cream than I'm automatically bad, even if I have one serving or one of those Skinny Cow ice creams.  Then if I'm already bad then why not eat those chicken fingers, french fries and oh to top it off some cheesecake. 

Now I'm not saying anything against those banders who can give up things, man I wish I could.  Life would be easier!  I have never, in the two years that I have had the band been able to strike the balance between moderation and feeling that I have to eat perfectly to lose weight.  I'm not sure how to change this but I know it's something I need to work on.

It's not like I think I'm perfect, I am far far far from perfect so why do I think I have to eat perfectly?  My portion control is my biggest problem.  I have issues with the volume of food I eat.  I feel if it is not a "big" serving than I am depriving myself.  Or I have to bring extra food for my workday because apparently I feel like I will starve. 

I hate these things about myself and I want them to go away.  I am seeing my fill today as a way to "re-boot" my band and my mind.  I am also going to ask my clinic for another copy of the nutrional information they gave us at our very first appointments, I think my binder was victim to one of my cleaning purges.  I want to succeed.  I want to show my family and friends that the band does work and most importantly I do NOT want to become a failing statistic.  I don't want to be the person that is pointed to for band failure.

So my plan for today and tomorrow is this....

Today

*Fill @ 2PM

*Go to hospital to pick up lab orders for a fertility test that Marc needs

*Post Office to mail ebay items

*Whole Foods - pick up soup for tonight's dinner and tomorrow's lunch

*Pick up Marc from work

*Go Home

*Eat soup for dinner

*Therapy appointment @ 6PM

Tomorrow

*Walk for 30 minutes before work

*Work 8 - 4:30

*Greek Yogurt for breakfast

*Soup for lunch

*Cottage cheese for snack

*Dinner following bander basics!

My clinic only has us be on liquids for the rest of the day after a fill but I'm going to extend that a bit.  I'm hoping for a fill on the aggressive side so I think soup for lunch will be wise at work tomorrow and then try some solid protein for dinner.  I'm feeling good about this plan.  I really want to lose 60lbs before Disney in January, plus I want that spending money!!  I was thrown for a loop this last month and now I need to take charge again.

Some quotes I found on perfection, I think I need to print these out.  Do you think tattooing on my forehead is a bit extreme?? 

“Perfectionism doesn’t make you feel perfect. It makes you feel inadequate.” ~Maria Shriver

“You don’t have to be perfect in order to be successful.” ~Anonymous

“Don’t wait until everything is just right. It will never be perfect. There will always be challenges, obstacles and less than perfect conditions. So what. Get started now. With each step you take, you will grow stronger and stronger, more and more skilled, more and more self-confident and more and more successful.” ~Mark Victor Hansen

“Strive for excellence, not perfection, because we don’t live in a perfect world.” ~Joyce Meyer

Hallelujah!

I am very happy today!  I finally got call backs from two new therapists!  Who knew it was so hard to find people?  I mean, seriously?

I have been leaving messages all over the place, apparently because I need night availability that makes it more difficult to accept me as a patient.  

I talked to two very promising therapists today.  I have an appointment with one of them tomorrow afternoon after my fill and then the next one is supposed to call me back with an appointment time.  I'm keeping my options open in case one of them isn't a good fit.  I think that is important.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm depressed.  I think I can handle everything on my own and then WHAM something happens and I can't get control of myself.  I have spent most of today crying off and on at my desk.  It's awful.  I'm sick of feeling this way.  Marc feels helpless and then I feel bad because I'm making him feel bad.  Ugh.

I'm really hoping that I will feel better after my appointment with my fill and the new therapist tomorrow.

*Fingers Crossed* 

A Little About Me

Since I'm participating in the Secret Bandits, I figured I would do this little questionnaire.  

1. What is your occupation right now ?

Branch Fulfillment Assistant, I work at a bank.  Basically I am support for the branches in our operation center.  

2.What color are your socks right now? 

White.

3. What are you listening to right now? 

Tosh.0, my husband is watching.


4. What was the last thing that you ate? 

I shall not tell a lie...roast beef sub and mozzarella sticks.

5. Can you drive a stick shift? 

Nope and have no desire to learn.

6. Last person you spoke to on the phone? 

My mom, she was telling me her and my dad are headed home early from their trip.

7. Do you like the person who sent this to you? 

I stole this idea from multiple people and I like them all!

8. How old are you today? 

28.

9. What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? 

I am girl.  I like gymnastics, ice skating and my FAVORITE sport show is Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.  :)


10. What is your favorite drink? 

Diet Dr. Pepper.  Too bad I don't drink it anymore.


11. Have you ever dyed your hair? 

Yes, I usually highlight but haven't for almost a year now.


12. Favourite food? 

LOBSTER.


13. What is the last movie you watched?

JFK with Marc yesterday.


14. Favorite day of the year? 

Anyday I don't have to work.

15. How do you vent anger? 

Crying, yelling or eating.


16. What was your favorite toy as a child? 

Gumdrops, he was my teddy bear.  I still have him.  He has gone to on my driver's test with me, to Florida, everywhere basically.

17. What is your favorite season? 

Fall.


18. Cherries or Blueberries? 

Hmmm...to eat by themselves Cherries but I adore blueberry pancakes

19. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? Sure...or you could just post on your blog.20. Where is you favorite place to escape?

Disney.  Though that is not affordable or logical.  My second favorite is to get a pedicure at the Spa.

21. Favorite TV Show?Dexter!  Sex and the City!  Don't make me choose.


22. Living arrangements? 

Married, two kitties, trying to get pregnant.
23. When was the last time you cried? 

Hmmm...about 60 minutes ago.  I cry a lot.

24. What is on the floor of your closet? 

A safe box and a bag of old clothes.


25. Who is the friend you have had the longest?
Hmmm...I really don't know.  Probably Amanda, we've known each other a long time.

26. What did you do last night? 

Watched JFK, went to bed and watched The Simpsons.  We watch The Simpsons every night before bed.  I love it.

27. What are you most afraid of?

Never having kids.

28. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? 

Cheeseburger please!

29. Favourite dog breed? 

No thanks, not a huge dog person.  

30. Favourite day of the week? 

Saturday.

31. How many states have you lived in? 

Two, Maine & Massachusetts but I've worked in three, Maine, New Hampshire & Massachusetts.

32. Diamonds or pearls? 

Diamonds

33. What is your favorite flower? 

Lilacs.

Cold, Luna Bar, Bodybugg and 5k.

It is so cold in my office building, it's not even funny.  My toes and fingers are frozen!  I have my hoodie on and that isn't even helping!  Brrrrrr! 

I woke up this morning and went out for a walk.  Yay me!  Due to my fill appointment on Wednesday I had to be at work early but I still went out and got 26 minutes of exercise in.  I started my week off right.

So far this morning I have eaten what I planned too but I did end up eating my Luna Bar - Chocolate Dipped Coconut and let me tell you that was like eating a little piece of heaven.  I am starving this morning and after I ate my cottage cheese I was still starving so I caved and ate it.  I am okay with that, I could have eaten something a lot worse.

I have decided that I'm going to sell my bodybugg.  It's not that I don't like it, I do but I find that I'm not using it because the armband causes pain due to the nerve damage I have in my arms.  It really irritates it and the nerve damage is from years ago and it doesn't bother me on a daily basis but I finally connected that it hurts when I wear my bodybugg.  So anyhoo...I am going to list it on ebay to sell but I figured I would offer it up to any banders who might be interested first.  I am willing to sell it for a reasonable price and all told I have probably worn it for about 30 days total.  I believe if you buy a used bodybugg you are still able to get the 6 month free trial subscription to the program, I think I read that somewhere in my literature.  I have everything it came with and the box still.  Just send me a comment or email if you are interested.  If not, I'm going to list it on ebay.

I finally feel as though I am in the right frame of mind.  I was lost there for a few weeks but I feel like I can do this again.  I was forcing myself to try and it wasn't working and then I would just feel more guilty.  But now, I think I'm there.  I am not fantasizing about what sort of take-out I can have for dinner, I'm looking forward to my yummy lunch and I am beyond ready to see that scale move down.  Thanks for sticking with me over the last few weeks!

My town is having a 5k in September and I'm very tempted to sign up.  It just scares me.  I know I will walk the whole thing, my biggest fear is coming in dead last.  It says that walkers are welcome but they will not be timed like the runners.  I don't know.  It's $15 to sign up before September 1st.  I want to do something like this, maybe it's what my confidence needs.

I think I have been random enough for this Monday morning.  I hope everyone has a good week!