Running Princess

I think I want to do something crazy.  I think I want to participate in Disney's 2012 Princess Half Marathon.

Shocked? 

I am but I really want to do this for ME.

I've thought about doing Disney Race Events before but mostly thinking I should stick to the 5Ks.  I got to thinking this morning on my walk (2nd morning in a row) that even if I don't finish all 13.1 miles, just starting it is an accomplishment.  Two years ago at this time, I could barely walk from Epcot's World Showcase to the parking lot without taking a break and now I walk and move around so much easier.  I am going to give it a try. I thought about training for 2011 last year but put it off due to wanting to have a baby.  I'm sick of putting things off due to having a baby, when it happens, it happens.  I need to live my life without thinking about that.  It's holding me back.  If I happen to get pregnant and my doctor doesn't want me to participate then I won't.  If I don't get pregnant than I will have this amazing accomplishment that I did for me, myself and I.

I am still figuring out the finances, especially with Marc & I's trip in January but it's months away so hopefully I could save up the money. 

Here is the official site, registration is open.

I have lots of questions and thoughts and here they are in bullet form.

*I know some banders participated in this last year, I can't remember who.  Does anyone have links?  I'd love to read about it if they blogged about it.

*What other banders out there are thinking of participating?  I'd love if it if I knew some of my fellow banders were trying this out there along with me and BONUS we could meet up!

*I have lots of ideas for my costume, because YES you can wear a costume.

*You get a real live medal when you finish!

*I might be looking to split a room with someone, not sure yet.  I don't know if we can swing Marc & I both going financially.  I'd really love to have Marc or my Mom there cheering me on as I completed this awesome feat but I don't know if it will work out.  Another one of my friends is interested in going with me but we are not 100% sure.

I'm all bubbly and anxious about making this a reality.  I think I am a teeny bit crazy but maybe something like this is the push I need to keep my butt moving in the right direction.

Self-Bully

I've been reading a book called "The Emotional Diet" by Bill Cashell (click the link to see it on Amazon).  I'm hoping that it will help me with my emotional eating and negative self-talk.  And while I like most of what he says in the book, I don't agree with 100% of everything he says but then again in what book do you agree with everything.  I think it will help. 

I really am mean to myself.  I talk negatively in my head and outloud to others.  Marc recently told me that I have to stop talking bad about myself, that lately I do it all the time.  I thought about it and he's right.  I'm constantly calling myself "fat pig" or saying I'm overeating because "I'm a slob".  That kind of thinking is getting me nowhere.

The book has a few exercises in it and one of them was to write 10 things that you like about yourself/personality.  It took me a VERY long time to come up with 10 things and I think that is unacceptable.  I need to be kind to myself.

One of the things he points out in this book is that how we think impacts our choices.  For instance if you say or think "I don't want to eat chocolate", you immediatly start thinking about chocolate.  Instead you should say or think, "I want to eat a healthy snack."  Basically our brain can't process the word "don't".  So I'm trying to focus on the things I want instead of the things I don't want.  When I took my walk this morning (yay me!) I repeated things to myself that I want.  I'm not saying it works because obviously it's only been a few days but trying these little things makes me feel like I'm taking steps in the right direction.

It's amazing how sore my legs are today.  I haven't consistently worked out in the last few weeks and I can tell, my legs HURT.  I walked yesterday and this morning.  I really have to get back into my walks every morning I think they help manage my stress as well.  I want to have that time for ME.

I hope everyone had a great 4th of July!

Back to Basics

Today starts the Back to Basics Challenge, at an AWFUL weight.  This makes me so angry, I've put on exactly 13lbs since reaching my lowest weight of 307.4lbs last month. ARGH!  I am very mad at myself.  The scale will not go up anymore.  Only down!  I am very determined to kick butt in this challenge and by extension in Marc & I's 5/50 Challenge.

I'm doing something different for our weekly photos for the 5/50 challenge this week.  Marc went to ride ATVs with my Dad yesterday and I thought this was a great action shot.  When I first looked at it, I thought it was a picture of my brother and not Marc.  He looks so little on there!  Marc would have never done this 150lbs ago, he had a hard time even riding in my Dad's truck with him before he lost the weight. Huge NSVs for him!  The other awesome news for Marc is that he weighed in at 291.1lbs this morning!  That is an 8.3lbs loss since we started the 5/50 Challenge two weeks ago.  Yes, I hate him just a teeny bit today.

Mine is different too.  While the boys were getting ready to leave yesterday I caught a glimpse of my shadow and say that I'm actually starting to have definition in my shadow instead of a huge blob!  I can see curves.  I'm not updating my ticker to show a gain, so let's hope next week is a much better weigh in.

The Longest Friday EVER

You read it here first, today has been the longest Friday ever documented in history.  It's not like I even have exciting plans for tonight.  Just some errand running with Marc.  We live the life of excitement for sure.

I did not exercise this morning which was a product of pure laziness.  I am determined to get back into the morning walks before work next week.  I will force myself to do it, I know after a few days I will look forward to my walks again, I just need to get to that place.

I have been eating a lot less during the days at work.  I think it's the more nutritious food I have been eating.  I am not interested my snack this afternoon.  Eh.  No thanks.

I am very excited for the BOOBs Back to Basics Challenge.  I'm uneasy about weighing in every week but we shall see how it goes.  I'm trying to not sweat the small stuff. 

I have been working on finding things to occupy my time at home that doesn't lead to eating.  I dug out a bunch of crochet patterns and I'm going to pick up some yarn, two birds with one stone as they will be baby shower gifts.  Everyone around me is pregnant so at least I won't be eating and I will be getting gifts out of the way.  I might try my hand at quilting as well though I don't have much confidence in that but I might as well try.

This is an uber boring post.  I have exactly 32 minutes of work left and they need to go by FASTER.

Marc & I forgot to do our Thursday Throwdown this week.  I had it all planned out too and I just totally forgot last night.  Oh well, we still have many weeks of Thursday Throwdowns before the 5/50 Challenge is over.

I hope everyone has a fantastic 4th of July!!

"Your thoughts are the architechts of your destiny."

~ David O. McKay

My Voice

Yesterday was a rough day mentally.  My nutritionist appointment went awesome, like always she makes me feel like I am making progress in my weight loss and my mental state concerning food.

I saw a loss on their scale - 317.4lbs, only a .4lb loss but I will take it.  I haven't been eating right in the last few weeks so any loss is a good loss.

Then it went downhill.  I went to see my old therapist.  While she is helpful in some areas, I have decided after sleeping on it that she is not helpful for me right now in my weight loss battle.

First off, she told me I should join Weight Watchers.  Umm, no.  I have the band so I wouldn't have to do programs like that again.  Weight Watchers has never helped me in the past and it's not going to help me now. 

She also said that I self-sabotage, fair enough.  I know I do that and that is why I'm there.  She then proceeded to tell me that I hate myself and I don't know if I hate myself, I don't feel like I hate myself but I do have this thing where if I can do something perfectly I don't want to do it at all. 

She seems to think I had this traumatic thing happen in my childhood and she likes to blame my parents for my weight/low self-esteem/etc.  I don't think that is fair.  Yes, I picked up unhealthy eating habits from my parents but me weighing over 400lbs is not their fault and it really pisses me off that she insinuates that my parents are bad.  My parents are the most supportive people Marc & I have in regards to our weight loss.  I can't tell you how many times I have called my Mom when I'm driving home and I know I want to stop and get fast food or take-out and she talks to me until I get home.  That is support AND that is just ONE example.

I was a miserable mess last night when I got out.  I picked Marc up at work and then of course I stopped for take-out on the way home.  Roast Beef Sub and Mozzarella Sticks soothed me last night.  I knew what I was doing was wrong but I did it anyway. I also didn't pack my lunch last night.  Normally if I don't pack my lunch that means I'm stopping somewhere on my way to work to pick up chips, candy, etc to make it through the work day....

....but I had a breakthrough this morning.  I had to be at work early this morning to make up time from yesterday, I knew I didn't have time to walk but I got up and I went to the kitchen and packed my lunch.  That is a small step in the right direction for me.  I don't feel guilty about last night.  I had one higher than I should calorie meal and I'm letting it go and not letting it detract from my ultimate goal.

I think the biggest thing that annoyed me about my therapist yesterday was that she seemed to think my 100lbs wasn't good enough or it wasn't anything to be proud of.  I have worked my ass off the last two years to lose 102lbs and I am PROUD of myself and I know myself much better than I used too.  I am the first to admit that I still have 100+lbs to lose but I know I will get there.

I called my nutritionist this morning (I really need a code name for her) and vented and she made realize that this therapist may not be the best thing for me right now.  I have a therapy appointment next Wednesday but I think I'm going to cancel it.  My therapist wants me to have a voice and I think I'm finally finding mine.

To Challenge or Not To Challenge?

I really really really REALLY want to do the BOOBs Challenge.

I love that they are having catergories depending on where you are from your surgery date or if you don't have a band.  I love it.

BUT this means that I would have to weigh once a week.  Can my poor mental state handle that?  I don't know.  I think I'm going to join in and start the challenge and if starts to mess with me again then I will probably just drop out.  The other option is that Marc offered to look at the scale for me and then email my weekly weigh in.  Maybe I will do that.

Okay, so I'm doing it.  I will figure out if I look at the scale each week or not and if it turns out to be too much looking at the scale I will drop out. 

Done and Done.

I'm off to my nutritionist appointment and therapy this afternoon.  I'm quite nervous for the weigh in.  Wish me luck!

Oh and in my last post I lied, I said my weigh in was 317.8lbs on 6/9 but it was actually on 6/17.  Look at me being an unintentional liar.

Wedding Anniversary Comparison Pictures

Today is Marc & I's 3rd Wedding Anniversary.  It's hard to believe we have been married for 3 years already, time flies when you are having fun.

Our Wedding Day - June 28, 2008

Our 1st Anniversary, 2009.



Our 2nd Anniversary, 2010.



Our 3rd Anniversary, 2011.


I think we have both come a very long way.  I'm proud of us.  If only we had done this BEFORE our wedding, our photos would be amazing.

Mentally, I am feeling so much better.  I'm in a good place right now.  We have decided that we are going on vacation in January, to Disney of course.  We actually booked our hotel yesterday.  I'm very excited, it gives me something to think about and read about on the internet besides articles that have to do with babies.  We are actually looking into have professional photos done at Disney as well.  Does anyone know of someone who does them on Disney Property?  I've contacted one place but I fear they will be too expensive.

I'm eating the Low Glycemic Diet plan and it is working for me so far.  I step on the scale tomorrow at my appointment, I'm not expecting to see a huge loss from last time (317.8lbs on 6/9/11) because I haven't been eating great until the last few days so we shall see.  Then after that appointment I go to my therapist which I am very much looking forward too. 

I have to say that I do not miss weighing myself everyday anymore.  In fact, I barely think about it.  I think I am more motivated not knowing what I weigh right now.  I just need to get back on the exercise train.  I need to do my walk in the mornings before work.  Yesterday I ran out of time and this morning I couldn't get out of bed.  Tomorrow my goal is to get out walking in the morning no matter what!

I am so happy that I'm in a better place.  I had a very dark week last week, it was scary for me.  I don't think I have ever been that down before.  I'm just glad that I'm not anymore, I feel hopeful again. 

Here is another quote from my new "Believe" book.

"If we did all the things we are capable of doing,
we would literally astound ourselves."
~ Thomas Edison